I WISH TO BELIEVE.....

when she din't say a word... you did not stop to listen to what she had to say,
she did not call you ...and you never seemed to look her way,
when it was all dark around...you din't notice her reflection,
in her apparent pride and deliberate arrogance u failed to sense the concealed affection
yet there was something in you that heard her speak when it was all quiet,
the appreciation of grace and finesse in all loud and bright....
many things are beautiful because they surpass reason and judgement...
to speak what you never intended to...and not to express what you meant...
there is a magnetic charm that the heavens bestow...
when its that magical moment....when pure emotions flow...
there is maturity..there is deep thought...
a reverence for the object whose affection is sought...
when all in her life went wrong...
when she couldn't be alone for long...
without unwanted words and explanations...
without pretensions and exaggerated expressions...
like a soothing yet silent moonlit night..
you led her once again to light...
what binds you to her...i do not comprehend..
it is because of the inexplicability...that a divine meaning is lend...
to dissolve with time...to occur in destiny...
to conquer fate...to exist in perfect harmony...
she may never still speak....yet her eyes hold...
the reassurance and confidence of having you near...as she sees her life unfold...
that gaze of a woman...with her man by her side...
the pride of being owned..to his will she shall forever abide...
the many words never spoken...between the two of you...
when language fails to express.......and words seem rather too few..
in those moments..in silent times...
i hear the resonating chord...the inner tune that perfectly rhymes....
its all too beautiful in the tale...
when reality beckons....dreams and stories fail.....
in beautiful dreams and in imaginative fantasies...
its all an illusion...for life has its fallacies...
yet the sweet thoughts always remain...
to think of life as joy and hope...and momentarily forget the accompanying pain....
beyond the end..may unto eternity you together sail...
sometimes..i wish to forget reality..... i wish to believe in a fairy-tale...

INTERPRETATIONS......

This is to some (of the many)words that I like .......words that have always turned "on" a definite thought or triggered a certain memory.......words that speak to me sometimes......


to say it all without saying a word...the "abhivyakti" through expressions..
to speak about everything and yet convey nothing .....the many such conversations...



a sudden moment of divine confirmation and nothing more...
no analysis ..no logic or justification.....simply the "anubhuti" pure....


the acceptance of the harsh reality...the "yatharth" that "seems",
the ring of darkness that surrounds a candle flame ...that darkenss that silently kills dreams..


the attempt to synchronize...to tune to perfection...
the "prayatn" beyond time and thought....the purity of dedication....

ITS NOTHING BUT A CHANGE....

the blossoming of flowers that spring brings,
when a butterfly leaves her cocoon...and spreads her wings..
when i don't want to go away ..yet time does not stop...
when she has to leave her cloud...the downward journey of a rain drop....
its nothing but a change....

when little birds who learn to fly...
leave their nests and reach for the sky...
when it pains to let go of what has been so dear..
when for a moment all i want is to have you near...
its nothing but a change..

when the places ...the streets and the roads i have always walked on..
no more bear my footprints....i have moved far ahead...and those days are gone...
when sometimes...the mirror refuses to know me...
there is an altogether different person i see...
its nothing but a change...

a moment of joy...and then tears..
the sunshine of optimism....then unknown fears...
to move ahead is not my will...
to befriend my fate ..i try still....

every step i take ..every word i speak ...
each day i live....the goals i seek..
seasons..people...colours...all change...
its all a flow.... inevitable and strange...
this momentary confusion..and then a new definition ...
sometimes gradual....sometimes an abrupt transition...

does my life understand me....do i understand her?
when i am hurt and wounded...does she care to bother?
to understand life...is to understand and know change..
for its all nothing ..... but a change.

TO LIGHT....

to the passion of fire...to the subtle grace of yellow light,
to the inner illumination...to all scintillating and bright..
to the eyes that reflect....expressions so clear,
to the glow of happiness on the face...of someone very dear...
to the silver of the mirror...that can capture moments and reflection..
to the transparency of glass...the light that passes through inspite of the refraction...
to the candlelight flame that slowly dies away...
to the seven colours that are beautifully hidden in a light ray...
to the enlightening power of knowledge....that dispels my inner confusions
to that single light that guides my life...to the unclear horizons...
to the struggling beam that despite the growing darkness survives.
to the first gleam of the morning sun across the dark skies,
to the sheer beauty of the shimmering stars at night...
the tranquil light of the moon...that bathes the earth in white...
to the inner aura and goodness of some people...which brightens up my life too..
to that twinkle of wonder in a child's eyes...the innocence and purity that you can see through...
a word of gratitude to all this...
the light that creates shadows which i tend to miss...
to this light and the darkness which surrounds it....to happiness and prosperity,
to the warmth that illuminates my life..a heartfelt thanks to the grace of the almighty...

SOMETIMES.....

sometimes...
i want to break free,
i want to choose what my life will be,
i want to be lost and never be found,
i want to be the disappointment of the unheard sound,

sometimes...
i want to keep forever the moment that just passed away ,
i want tears to explain what i have never been able to say,
i do not want to take a step ahead,
i just want to close my eyes and simply be led,

sometimes..
i want to escape into my dreams for a while,
i want to feel the exhaustion of walking a long mile,
i want to live the reality that can never be,
to flow like water...uninhibited and free...

sometimes..
i want to be devoid of all awareness,
i want even the slight shadows to be engulfed by darkness
i want to be that moment of sudden realization ,
when lightning strikes suddenly..the short-lived illumination

sometimes...
i want to be the joys that i often desire and always miss,
i want to know the meaning of happiness..the secret of bliss.
i want to be the unusual quiet before a storm,
i want to be the fate of words to which thoughts give depth and form....

sometimes...
i want to be a lifeless painting hung on a wall,
i want to be the last journey of the autumn leaves as they fall,
i want to exist in the perfect sphere of a drop of rain,
i want to ponder why i sometimes seem to like pain...

sometimes...
when i am hurt i understand how difficult it is to smile,
when life pushes me hard ..i yearn to sit down for a while..
during the usual days....amidst the sad and the happy times..
i search for what i really want...i search for these "sometimes"....

THE UNREASONABLE SIDE OF REASON........

"its all somewhere between analog and digital...."

boundaries..that define..that confine...
across the continuity that exists...to etch a sharp line..
the feeling of belongingness to a finite space
to recognize those eyes....on that very common face.
a stark difference or a gradual gradation,
to snap a chain of thoughts..or with time..a slow regression.
only precision and no ambiguity,
without the mist that alters perceptions..an unnatural clarity.
let intuition speak....listen to what it has to say,
sometimes..the subtle confusions lead to the right way.
can everything be quantified or bound to specifications,
to hold on to the pains of the past or completely erase the slight impressions..
there is something that logic fails to understand,
the powers that exist beyond it...the lines on the palm of my hand.
difference lends a meaning...a particular interpretation,
it is not forgiving......the irreversible separation,
to aim at accuracy and eliminate the slight variation,
a gaze so deviod of feeling..that it conquers distraction,
to seek a definite form ..a liquid always fails..
some descriptions are meaningless....without the finer details...
there is no truth that is absolute..nothing wrong or right,
just the meanings which we give....a shade darker or bright.
there is something about disorder that cannot be ignored,
though far away from the beautifying exactness ..the humble acceptance of the equilibrium that can never be restored.
the asymmetry that is distinct and raw,
bestowed with the grace of an accidental flaw
precision fails to grasp this deeper meaning that is intrinsic,
in words never spoken...in feelings.....in the imperfect and the artistic.. .
in thoughful thoughtlessness...in overflowing emptiness...
in the rhythm of silence....in undiscovered uniqueness...
it can't be pefection always...all the inseparable shades blend together into one,
the hues of the inevitable presence..of "the unreasonable side of reason".

THE BEAUTY ALL AROUND......

" Catch a falling star
and put it in your pocket
and never let it fade away"....

some things are so beautiful....their beauty is innate...
there is something wonderful about them .... which we can't deliberately create.
there is something beautiful in a heart felt smile...
when silence begins to speak....though it may last only a while...
there is something beautiful in the warmth of someone's eyes,
when you want time to stop...and it simply flies...
it is a beautiful feeling to hold a child's hand..
to walk together and leave behind...our footprints in the sand.
it is beautiful to love some people with all your heart...
to create memories that you will cherish lifelong...till the day you part.
when everything goes wrong..and nothing around seems clear..
it is a wonderful feeling to think...that god is always near.
there is a divine beauty in every sunset and sunrise,
it is a very different feeling...to look up at the skies..
there is beauty in prayer and belief,
in the selfless love of those who care during sadness and grief...
there is beauty in the confidence that sends away all fear...
the reassurance that all will be fine..when your hand is held by someone dear,
there is beauty in the leaves that cover the ground after a storm...
there is beauty in pure emotions....to which words fail to give a form...
it is beautiful to observe the perfect synchronization between day and night..
just the right proportion ...of darkness and light...
it is beautiful to understand the sorrows of those you don't even know...
to read someone's thoughts and pain...even when they don't let it show
though everything around has its own beauty and uniqueness..
a cosmic harmony binds us all.....the invisible "oneness"...
its all "your" beauty in different colours..shapes..forms..and impressions..
in movements..gestures...feelings...words...and expressions...
this web of beauty that "you" have woven....brightens my gloomy days....
I can't gather all of it...yet it amazes me always..
hidden...and seldom admired....it deserves to be found,
the beauty in everything and everyone..."the beauty all around".

ABOUT "ME".....

Am I the constant unreasonable fear that haunts,
in times of happiness.....the apprehension of future that taunts.
Sometimes it seems I do not know "me",
those eyes are mine....yet I do not choose what to see.
Sometimes I feel it is a lifelong discovery,
to understand and comprehend all the shades of "me" completely,
My story has a new chapter everyday
people and circumstances change...with memories I stay.
Sometimes I want to read myself like a book..
to wander in the lands of my thoughts and dreams...and take an inward look.
If "me" were a character that I had to define,
to look at "me"...from a distant view...as if nothing of "me" is mine.
It is so easy to pass judgement on others this way,
but when it comes to "me"..it becomes a difficult say.
"me" is the worst..."me" may be better ,
"me" may make it to the end..."me" may falter.
"me" tries to be good...."me" tries to smile,
yet something disturbs her..the happiness lasts only a while.
"me" is madness sometimes.."me" is sensibility
"me" is silly dreams....."me" is reality.
"me" is so easy to understand...willing to give and accept,
"me" is so unknown ....in well guarded secrets that are kept.
Sometimes "me" doesn't know anything.
Sometimes "me" knows everything.
"me" knows a tough way ahead lies,
in little things to seek happiness..."me" often tries.
"me" thinks..maybe she can..try and achieve,
"me" holds on forever...what she decides to believe
It seems "me" is two people together,
Sometimes one of them speaks...sometimes the other.
There is a "me" to the world...and another to those who know,
only one "me" speaks to everybody...the other to a few only ,will show.
It is a complex conundrum...two selves entwined,
Who the real "me" is...is difficult to find...

BUTTERFLY....

Why can't butterflies live a little longer,
Why can't the meek be a bit stronger,
Why is it so difficult to understand "right" and "wrong",
to hum with perfection the silent tune of life's song,
If I do not win....why do I have to lose,
Every moment...in everything..why do I have to choose,
When I do not want to think ...why do thoughts chase me,
Why do I have visions of happiness...which in reality will never be.
If you know I will fail...why do I have to try,
to give a false smile...when I really want to cry.
If you know how to talk...why are you quiet,
Don't keep me in darkness....I want to share some of your light.
Why did you create difference and similarity,
to every person..his uniqueness...his singularity.
Why can't you send away the clouds...and make the sky clear.
Let the stars be with me...take away this apprehension and fear,
I will talk to them about little things..
the scar the moon has...and the interesting patterns on butterflies' wings.
If I were a butterfly..I would change colours everyday,
to feel every moment in a different shade....to live to the full in this short stay.
Maybe then I would not bother you so much,
My life would be short and colourful...there would not be much time as such,
I will not question you about life then,
with my little wings..I will try to reach you in my flight when.
I will not want to talk to the stars...
because now will wait for me....the blossoming beautiful flowers.
Life would be very different then ...I think
from the imperfect mind of a human.....to the unknown thoughts of a butterfly...I would shrink
Make me a butterfly .......tonight,
I will live another life then.....till the morning light.

SOMEDAY...

Someday...there will be rain without thunder,
there will be perfection in a blunder,
I will talk to that distant star...
the earth will forever smell of the very first shower.

there will be a night that will never end,
and a message the heavens shall then send.
I will exist beyond space and time then,
not bound by all that which rules the world of men..

I will decide the weird shapes the clouds will make,
I will choose the colours the rainbow will take.
The secrets of the skies will be known to me,
I will delve into the depths of the unfathomable sea..
the wind that makes even the big trees sway,
I will guide her to the path...when she loses her way.
I will find out how it feels to fly,
the touch of the clouds ..as they wander by.
But no pain, ...no joy will then come to me,
They grace the earth..and high up I will be.

There will be everything...and yet nothing..
Inspite of this freedom ..I will miss something...
The voices that I used to hear,
Laughter,smiles ,tears ...the moments that were dear.
All this will be taken away,
In an endless oblivion I will forever stay.

I will miss not only harmony but also strife..
not only love..but also hatred.. I will miss "life",
I will miss the thunder that brings the rain,
I will miss the happiness that can overcome pain.
I will not look at the moon that night,
I will think of the small parts of my life...from my first step to the last flight.
I will no more want to rise with the early morning ray.
Because I will no longer "be" what I "am"...after the night of "some day"....

SHE IS ...

she is intelligence..she is grace,
she is the greatness... few understand or praise.
she is the truth...uninhibited and pure.
she is the restraint ..no desires can lure.
she is pride with defiance...
she is submission with compliance.
she is the darkness in the light,
she is the only star in the moonless night,
she is calmness and tranquility,
she is tumult and activity
she is without words and expression,
she is the most well written description
she is the victory of the lands,
she is the disgrace of the sands.
she is the one who reigns and leads.
she is the vanquished who for mercy pleads
she is the beauty..natural and innate,
she is the false illusion gods create
she is power and strength...the indomitable might,
she is the soft aura of a flickering candle light.
she is the eyes that speak in silence,
she is the quiet endurance that bears all violence.
she is the tears that are hard to hide,
she is the happiness held secretly inside.
she is the spiritual air of devotion,
she is the most vividly expressed emotion,
she is the care ...the warmth around,
she is the pain in a neglected wound.
she is the turbulence...of the storms inside,
she is the serenity of the moon...by which the tides abide.
she is the pristine laughter from the heart,
she is the deliberate smile when we part.
she is the uncomplicated simplicity ,
she is the simplest complexity
she is in the lessons of life that she would teach.
she is in the depths of the meaning that none can reach.
she is the beginning of an end,
she is the destination just beyond the bend.
she is in me...she is in you,
she is in life's complete view...
she is the soul...thoughless and impeccable ,
she is the being...thoughtful and fallible
I cannot continue the journey with her,
I close my eyes....my visions blur.
she goes away....in her veiled charisma,
she is , indeed, the greatest enigma.
I hold a part of her in me...yet there is something I miss,
I am too humble to define...what she " really" is..

RESIGNATION.....

I want to rest forever in an eternal sleep,
I have walked long enough....the path ahead is steep,
Why don't you take this consciousness away,
the realization that as long as I live..I have to walk an unknown way
Why can't this present moment freeze....why can't I escape into infinity,
Why can't I be freed of all these bonds..this helplessness I pity.
Take away all knowledge....ignorance is bliss,
When you begin to understand what pain is....then painful everything is.
I do not wish to see....I do not wish to hear,
the sounds of defeats...visions of fear.
I cannot ignore the ignominy that accompanies grace
I often forget the happy moments....but the pain always stays.
I do appreciate the beauty you created.....your gift of life ,
but the dark clouds often hide the sun.....the endless cosmic strife.
I no longer wish to be a presence...dissolve me into the night,
no difference will then exist....between darkness and light.
Take away this sense of "feeling" and perception,
responsibilities,dreams,desires,expectations....free me from this web of deception.
Give me back that pure happiness and oblivion ....I want to return to my childhood,
back to the city of angels.....in my dreams where I stood
revert my steps.....give me back the innocence that time took away,
lighten me of this burden that I carry.....with earnestness I pray.
I have no more words to write....I want to struggle no more,
send all my thoughts away.....purify the inner core.
In the darkness of the night....I resign my "inner" darkness to thee,
I yearn for the light of the dawn .....when these conflicts of thoughts will cease to be.

OF DREAMS AND EXPECTATIONS...

"Though you guard it well,
what destiny does not decree disappears.
Though you cast it aside ,
what fate calls yours,
does not depart."

What intrigues me most is not of the "outer" world around,
rather it is the inner tumult...dreams and expectations abound.
If you give me hopes ...that may enlighten my way,
then before I reach the bend...just don't go away.
give me faith...forever.....be the guiding light.
I do not desire the rainbows you weave...bathe me in the tranquil white.
What of a bright flash that dies long before dawn arrives,
Be the faint star whose flickering flame unto sunrise survives.
Be the gaze that holds the horizon far,
Be the confidence guarded by destiny's power.
Be the meaning that echoes beneath the words I speak,
Be that innate strength that makes the "outer" evils weak,
Be the greatness gracefully veiled ,
Be the acceptance of what fate had long ago sealed,
Be not the shallowness whose depth I may soon forget,
Be not the misguided steps which I may later reget,
Be not a moment that will always haunt,
Be not the painful memory of what I did want,
There are infinite ways in which to be or not to be,
The innumerable shades of the "greyness" of life..with open eyes I fail to see,
How do I convey...that happiness that accompanies pain,
The water that flows free...despite the fragments of shattered porcelain.
To these unclear perspectives of my mortal mind, grant the assurance that I need,
not the knowledge of what "should" be or not be.....rather what "shall" by you be
decreed.

YOU...UNDEFINED...

Who are you?
are you my reflection.. my core ,my values crystallized unto perfection
are you the "rightness" imbibed in me,
or the thoughts which I never let free
are u an illusion...an optimistic perception,
a dream conjured by my mind, a self-deception
I do not know what blurs my view,
the fading hues of twilight or the early morning dew.
as the night amalgamates into the day and day into night,
I question the eternal contradictions...good and evil..wrong and right.
are you the innocent wonder in the eyes of a child,
or the unappreciated beauty of the flowers that blossom in the wild
are you the irresolute air of conflict....submission with defiance,
or the sacred,unfathomable ..the sounds of silence.
are you the pristine laughter that shines through eyes,
or the very first tears..when a newborn cries
are you the fears buried deep inside,
or the celebration of a lifelong victory..."the day all sorrows died".
were you the first step that I took
or the shadows that walked along....though I would pretend not to look
are you the secrets in the folded fist of a newborn
or the gnarled hand of an old man.......lines on the palm deep and worn
are you the sheer glory of a starlit night
or the vain attempt to shield my eyes...when blinded by too bright a light
are you like water..transparent and clear,
or my misty memories ......fading yet dear.
it is a vain attempt to bind you to descriptions,I know
I lack the insight to perceive you..mere words continue to flow.
to all the unanswered questions ,the mysteries that have intrigued,
to all that exists..good or bad..to life..to whatever I have believed,
I have only one answer.....an answer beyond my judgement and mind,
its simply you..... you "undefined".

THE REASON THAT I SHOULD "BE".........

How long will I live?
How long "should" I live.....I sometimes wonder,
How many "laughters",how much pain.....do I struggle or surrender?
I move with the stream ..the flow drives me on,
I think of moments ..ahead and bygone..
Why am I here ,what is this life for,
Will the tides guide my destiny....will I ever steer myself to the shore?
Sometimes I ponder .....what is bliss,
In this everyday life of mine...what do I really miss,
What makes me happy....what makes me cry,
What do I assimilate..as the days pass by.
What is the goal ...the ultimate aim,
or is it merely the days I have to live.....just the eternal "game".
What do I miss.....something that is dear,
or is it just remembering ...what is not near.
Why am I sad....because probably I think too much,
for I weave this web of thorns around....there "is" no pain as such.
When I look at the night sky....adorned with stars,
I feel humbled and awed...the celestial powers.
What have you willed that I now "will" have to live,
How much of what I took do I now have to give..
Speak the story of my life...tell me what you wrote,
its only the echo of my own voice here...unknowingly i float,
Show me the path that I must tread,
give me the inner strength that I need,
You hold the strings I know....define "my" meaning to me,
Justify my existence here...the one "reason that I should be".

THE UNSAID......

There is such an intricate web of thoughts within,
I just do not know where to begin,
There is an eerie silence inspite of the sounds,
just numbness and no pain despite the wounds,
Why do i search for something that can never be found,
there is no depth or richness of meaning,just plain gravity ..the stable ground.
my thoughts are treacherous, they deceive words and expression,
they wander aimlessly....i crave for clarity of perception.
I guess the confusion around blurs my view,
I am all alone...surrounded by the deep blue.
What do i want ....how do i define,
and how much do i hold on to...what truly is "mine".
Why looms around always....that dark fear,
emotions frozen into time...now the impressions mere.
now i no more understand...what words spoken to me really mean,
What do i want to see.....what actually "is" there but is not seen,
I can feel no more...my senses defy,
Just my thoughts i hold...memories wander by.
They are mine , truly mine....these i own beyond time
No language,no words ...just the truth sublime.
What are perceptions...merely what i choose to see
or the inevitable... what had to happen..it just "had" to be,
Beneath the folds of memory...lie long forgotten pains and dreams
Yet,struggling through the clouds of tumult....the golden sunshine beams.
Slowly...i return to the world of words that had,
given form to my "inner inexplicable"..."the unsaid".