An earnest romance ...

Maybe not stretched too long unto eternity
But free from the allegation of a dream; seated in an intense reality
To Life..or something/someone beyond me.. 
If..an earnest romance could just be..


I have been trying so hard
since forever
to belong
to slowly let go of what I hold dear
to change the lyrics of my song
to words from "everyone" else's happy lines
but still my heart still pines
for my own kind of paper and pen
my own scripted narration of a happy when.
its like mixing a little color everyday
to your palette to create happy hues
though everyday you struggle with the realization that
you are color blind and they give you just the blues
while telling you to be like their color schemes
and you still couldn't afford it after selling all your default themes
its hard to live with borrowed definitions
of contentment  and a sense of reason
to again and again repeat to yourself
how anyone would be happy in your position
but the problem is that I have large feet
and my shoes would not fit anyone else
my thoughts have a constant hum and am not quite sure
they are always in rhythm with jingle bells
you may choose not to share the darkness I bring
but for me there is no way not to be with myself all the time
to keep on rearranging my jumbled words to a peppy rhyme
which is real not to you but to me
if this were a game of scrabble I would want
no suggestions from someone's winning word
no guidelines on how to be the early bird
but rather just simple letters that may make no sense to anyone
but for me they would rearrange to a perfect perfection
the lousy sleepy dreamy kind
and then maybe even I could talk of my find
with a deep conviction and peace of mind
but as of now i am tired
of forced efforts and downward spirals
of smelling the longer discontentment in contentment
of always trying to be reasonable and pertinent
but maybe someday my words will get there
and effortlessly dance to a melody written without care
till then maybe i will keep trying
and more and more letters I will keep buying
and maybe someday they will all find that earnest romance
to forever conclude this game of words without another chance
just wait for me till i have my song
and I really hope then you can sing along

The price of Happyness

Tell me the recipe for happiness
give me the ingredients, and the exact price
Can I cook it in my stockpot
along with dal and rice ..

I often wonder at what great cost
what to value when the value is lost
how in perfect words explain
the poignant demise of an inner joy in someone's casual disdain

will being quiet help
will it bring me real silence
can I do with a fake dish
can I manage the culinary pretence

why can't I just tell you
a little note by note
we create the recipe with understanding
not with ignorance and least by rote

have you tried some simple dishes
like the one I made the other day
when we just took sugar dreams
and put all the store-bought spices away

I hear them saying all the time
perfection in presentation and a hint of lime
but from whatever I have tasted it was always over-cooked
maybe it was an ego being stuffed and the real gravy overlooked

you know when I have loved it best
when I put all judgements to rest
when not for you or for him or her
but only for my soul I set out to decipher
when I did not please nor command
when I chose to neither hold  nor reprimand
but rather when I was soaking in the subtle flavor
enjoying every little fruit of labor
when seeing all those colors together in the dish
I had wanted to own a rainbow, that had been my silly wish
they say you need the perfect wine
to host and with loved ones dine
I tell you I have been drunk on joy
which those in control did not for me buy
I fermented my own sense of goodness and beauty
which we all have in some measure
I let it ruminate under a full moon
and shared with someone that treasure
he even made it better and not with things bought with money,
he just always stood by me [in our own vineyard] and offered me his priceless company
and when together once we sat down to a simple meal
lots of thoughts we ate and chewed
I can tell you, in all humility of not knowing a great deal
It was in that kitchen, talking on the dinner table, the most pristine happiness that I ever brewed.

Happiness is an inspiration, it is a leap
how to jump I don't myself always know
but when I can, it comes real cheap.

:)

p.s : This is a hurried attempt at conveying something I sometimes think about through something I almost always am thinking about ..food.

Shall we Dance ?

" There's a billion people on the planet ... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things ... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'." - From the movie, "Shall we dance?" in response to the question "Why is it that people get married"  [2004]

let me be a witness to your life and let us move together along.....
let us dance in unison to the unheard song...
let us step on the thin line between right and wrong...
let me be the wind..and you the rain...
let us ponder on every tiny knot that binds the chain...
let me define grace and beauty...and you shall be the definition..
let me aim to reach perfection..and you shall be the achieved precision...
let me hold my head high....for you are my pride..
let me take not only your goodness...but even your mistakes in my stride...
let me behold the whole you....the person complete...
with all the thoughts that cross my mind....let till eternity our gaze meet..
let me read your eyes....and let me know your soul....
let me be your  acquaintance to self...let me make you whole..
let me be everything...let me be nothing..
let me be around...let me be something...
let me not judge you...but let me just take a glance...
as partners in life and death....you and me...the two of us....shall we dance?

p.s : I had read this quote in the "Times of India" before I saw the movie. I had written these lines about 5 years back, on the 24th of January, 2006. Its nice to chance upon old poems, they bring back memories and the forgotten taste of my thoughts when I had written them.