ON A RAINY DAY....

the meandering movement of a water drop on the surface of a leaf...
the hesistant reality that craves for confirmation..in submission to a belief..

Over the green...the drop rests..along the slight droop..
Some sleepy dream..to wake up....struggles within the thinking loop...

In preparation for the sunshine that will be...
Reflected from the water..some hidden rays i see...

I tighten my grip ..on the umbrella...i wonder about the angle of the rain...
drops of water on my hand....the effort is lost in vain...

I want ...to own and keep ....that leaf I had just seen...
The clouds will take away the day..I just cannot preserve the green...

The umbrella swirls .....and drops fall all around...
Here it is...smiling at me..the hidden memory that I have found...

I want to loosen the hold and let her go free...
Two kids walking in red raincoats ...right ahead I see...

I pick up the leaf now..and put these thoughts on it...
If...if I could hold a coffee mug in both my hands....and pause here and sit...

I brush away ...these silly thoughts...on a rainy day...
With the leaf in one hand....and my umbrella in the other..I smile...and walk away...

On a rainy day......

AT THE END OF THE DAY.....

the smell of tea just made..the entire process of making it....
the day and my optimism about it...the mastered art of faking it...

the type-written words...i can still read the handwriting,
it will be a busy day..i will still miss something...

i look in the crowd...searching ..
in my ears the sound that never was...yearning...

my eyes are moist....somewhere it rains.....
i smile to a stranger..the tear stains...

i match my footsteps with the rhythm of a memory....
i hold myself close to me.....yet thoughts and dreams wander free....

i write some words..i forget the meanings...
i remember them so well..the hundred little things....

i untie what never was bound....
i imagine someone and turn around...
i talk to flowers that i can't pluck or touch even..
i give a thoughful smile to the setting sun......


i wait for a knock..for footsteps and a voice...
it constantly irritates me.....the machine's humming noise...

i learn..to talk to myself..and try to feel okay and nice...
but the pleasure of hearing you speak..this conversation denies...

the more people i see...the more i know..
that me and myself..to a few i completely owe...
how much...i want..my corner of the shore..
i wait..in anticipation..at the open door...

cautious steps ......the bend i often forget...
eaten alone quietly...that meal i regret....

but then....this realization is so precious ...
slowly the cloudy sky clears...
one day...someday....i will write again this way...
when not in memories but in the present my thoughts will play...
the journey of anticipation.....now my steps are faster ...
the breathing is heavier...but still i don't bother....

along this road..straight ahead...the "destination on the way"...
i will wait right there...with some thoughts..."at the end of the day".........

TIME...

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to rend, and a time to sew;a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace." - Ecclesiastes



I wish to talk to "time" today,
There is a lot I have to ask and say,
Time was "there" when I laughed and played,
Time was "somewhere" when blunders I made,
Time was musing..when I was lost in thought,
Time was ignorant..when with myself I fought.
Time has the colours,it owns the music,
In it.. coexist the ordinary and the artistic.
Time can paint..beautiful days,
Time can wash away my footprints..even on those well-known ways.
Time can be my best company..make me feel so nice..
Time can hurt by not caring..not even looking back as it flies..
Time can weave illusions..it can quietlty hold little dreams,
It can keep silly secrets..then suddenly leave me alone in reality where nothing is at it seems.
Time is the creator ..the one who ignites..
The dark sleeping corners of my thoughts..with a heavenly aura it lights..
Time knows my childhood..it was "then" ...
Time stays with me even now...in the making of "when"..

Sometimes...
It melts my inner tumult and I forget my unanswered queries,
When I see its tranquility...how with an undisturbed equanimity darkness and light it sees.....
It makes me feel so full of follies..the "me" who will always complain..
My failure to accept and understand its moves...with its silent grace it chooses not to explain.

It is eternal..tirelessly it flows..
It showers unexpected happiness and smiles....it renders sudden blows.
Time is the writer...of the pages that are to be my history..
Laughters pains..moments..it unravels my unnoticed,insignificant mystery.
Time is momentary....in beautiful moments that pass too fast,
Time is stationary....in the agony and pain that will for a lifetime last.
Time is 'mine'..with me it stays,
It gives me a new reality to accept ..then my dreams it betrays.
Time is the healer,the one who protects,
first it hurts with a thoughtless ease...then it seemingly regrets.
It sometimes listens when I sing and I say,
It sways with the winds...gives me hope when I pray.

In time I was..I am and I shall be,
Sometimes I want to follow it with closed eyes..sometimes..I yearn to choose and see..
Time is a manifestation...the interpretation that I am left to contemplate,
It is the witness that acknowledges my existence..with neither love nor hate.
With the anxious waiting eyes of a child...I can but only guess,
The days that time weaves for me...for it lies not in my power to blame or bless.
My insignificance becomes a greater realization,
When i understand there is no choice but resignation.
I err and then I listen to memories that make me sad and weak,
Ignoring the present...only the "was" and "will" I seek.
Time is my inner calm..time is turbulence,
time maybe reality...time maybe sheer pretense.

In history..in monuments...in the endless space,
In growth,stagnation..in the gradual wrinkles of a face.
In winter fog..in autumn leaves..day and night,
In anticipation,apprehension...of what has been or what might.
In the now,then,when that I attempt to define here,
The unnoticed moment that passed away silently..someday..somewhere..

It can let thoughts flow freely...without bothering of consequence or importance,
It can just as easily control reality..in the unquestionable guise of circumstance.
Yet,there are some beliefs that time cannot create or make.
The faith in the existence of dreams and ideals,the desire for rainbows it cannot take...
I must rest my case thus......in all humility,
In appreciation and acceptance of this very second..and that unknown eternity.....
In blossoming flowers..in crushed leaves...in agony..in bliss sublime..
In everything around is somewhere hidden...the unchangeable writ of "Time".

...........

words have also left me all alone tonight...
I do not know what it is that i really fight..
only tears i own...they are with me...
they take away a little pain.....i can no longer see...
i know it so well...this pain that pains..
i have heard the thundering skies...mercilessly it rains...
let me fly high...never ever to return...
let me not think,yearn...dream or discern...
let me be all alone....wandering without a destination..
without direction or judgement..let me own the thoughless definition..
i will not surrender ..i will rather in arrogance meet..
the darkness that grows within....my inner defeat...
nothing more to write...no words to express..
no more pain to hide ...no anguish to supress..
i have met and known them all...pain...darkness and fears...
i have seen how reality dissolves dreams...in those incessant tears...
i plead you to send them all away...for a while let me rest...
this fear that kills my dreams....this is my submission to its conquest....

BE WITH ME...

"..I leave my prayers to him alone,
whose will is wiser than my own."

hold my hand ..so that i do not fall down as i walk
hear me speak when i do not have the words to talk..
do not crush the fallen leaves under your feet...
be with me always...until we shall finally meet...
tell me where do i go..and why...
i fail to understand it all...though i often try..
i do not know the beginning and the end to it all...
that sinking feeling in my heart...as i fall....
the darkness which surrounds me...from outside and within..
the inner silence that echoes in my ears...despite the outside din...
dissolve them together...darkness and light..
indistinguishable now...the bleak and the bright...
the sad smile...laughter and pain...
tears flowing....the rhythm of rain...
the "nothingness" in everything..
the meaning in something...
the sharp bend i cannot see...
moments along the way which haunt me...
in definitions i do not know...
in thoughts that were lost somewhere in the flow...
in what i can perceive and what i cannot see...
in right and wrong...in every moment....."be with me"....

A REMEMBRANCE.........

smriti
The remembrance of someone or something....
a particular fragrance...a thought..a song..or a painting....
that brings back some thoughts lost somewhere within memories.....
like the sweet narration of nursery rhymes and forgotten childhood stories...

I remember....The smell of crayons in my hands..
The mud-palaces made in the sands..

The rusted chains of the swing and that attempt to reach the moon...
never did i know those days would pass-by so soon....
i often search for that silly little girl...who left me all alone...
i thought she would always be by me....but now i find her gone....
i want to collect together some things that i left behind..
in memory of those little pleasures that i will never again find,


its difficult to put in words...what it is all about...
in the attempt to see things in that utopian perspective...i shall fail beyond doubt

Its about... crying breathlessly and not knowing the value of tears..
being in a small ,simple world of your own...sans any fears..
its about..... getting hurt very easily and yet not knowing what is real pain
making paper boats that are sure to sink...and still..dancing about in the rain...
its about.........simplicity ..and a complete absence of complexity...
about ignorance and bliss...that oblivion which "should have been" unto infinity....

I remember... the little doll with big eyes....
the twinking stars high up above in the skies....

Its about... having lots of pencils and still not knowing how to write..
not knowing how words can hurt...easily forgetting the last days' fight..
its about......purity of thought ..and a warmth in the air..that can never again be found
amidst those deafening shouts... that unperturbed laughter that would resound...
its about......always being taught what is right and what is wrong..
yet knowing it better than so many others...the perfect tune of life's song...

i remember...the desire to own chalks of all colours that exist..
not caring whether dreams will ever become reality...having a long wish list.....


its about .......a me and a you...that is now no more....
its about how time changes...and waves fail to define the shore...
its about memories then....which will also soon fade away...
like broken toys .....forgotten friends....and "unmoulded" clay......

I remember......dreams left far behind...
happiness i will never again find...

Deep within...i still yearn for it....to feel once again the rainbathed earth on which I stood,
I long for smelling the wet sand....i long to relive that bygone childhood...