An earnest romance ...

Maybe not stretched too long unto eternity
But free from the allegation of a dream; seated in an intense reality
To Life..or something/someone beyond me.. 
If..an earnest romance could just be..


I have been trying so hard
since forever
to belong
to slowly let go of what I hold dear
to change the lyrics of my song
to words from "everyone" else's happy lines
but still my heart still pines
for my own kind of paper and pen
my own scripted narration of a happy when.
its like mixing a little color everyday
to your palette to create happy hues
though everyday you struggle with the realization that
you are color blind and they give you just the blues
while telling you to be like their color schemes
and you still couldn't afford it after selling all your default themes
its hard to live with borrowed definitions
of contentment  and a sense of reason
to again and again repeat to yourself
how anyone would be happy in your position
but the problem is that I have large feet
and my shoes would not fit anyone else
my thoughts have a constant hum and am not quite sure
they are always in rhythm with jingle bells
you may choose not to share the darkness I bring
but for me there is no way not to be with myself all the time
to keep on rearranging my jumbled words to a peppy rhyme
which is real not to you but to me
if this were a game of scrabble I would want
no suggestions from someone's winning word
no guidelines on how to be the early bird
but rather just simple letters that may make no sense to anyone
but for me they would rearrange to a perfect perfection
the lousy sleepy dreamy kind
and then maybe even I could talk of my find
with a deep conviction and peace of mind
but as of now i am tired
of forced efforts and downward spirals
of smelling the longer discontentment in contentment
of always trying to be reasonable and pertinent
but maybe someday my words will get there
and effortlessly dance to a melody written without care
till then maybe i will keep trying
and more and more letters I will keep buying
and maybe someday they will all find that earnest romance
to forever conclude this game of words without another chance
just wait for me till i have my song
and I really hope then you can sing along