Reverie

An earnest romance ...

2011-09-03T14:52:00.000-07:00

Maybe not stretched too long unto eternity
But free from the allegation of a dream; seated in an intense reality
To Life..or something/someone beyond me..
If..an earnest romance could just be..

I have been trying so hard
since forever
to belong
to slowly let go of what I hold dear
to change the lyrics of my song
to words from "everyone" else's happy lines
but still my heart still pines
for my own kind of paper and pen
my own scripted narration of a happy when.
its like mixing a little color everyday
to your palette to create happy hues
though everyday you struggle with the realization that
you are color blind and they give you just the blues
while telling you to be like their color schemes
and you still couldn't afford it after selling all your default themes
its hard to live with borrowed definitions
of contentment and a sense of reason
to again and again repeat to yourself
how anyone would be happy in your position
but the problem is that I have large feet
and my shoes would not fit anyone else
my thoughts have a constant hum and am not quite sure
they are always in rhythm with jingle bells
you may choose not to share the darkness I bring
but for me there is no way not to be with myself all the time
to keep on rearranging my jumbled words to a peppy rhyme
which is real not to you but to me
if this were a game of scrabble I would want
no suggestions from someone's winning word
no guidelines on how to be the early bird
but rather just simple letters that may make no sense to anyone
but for me they would rearrange to a perfect perfection
the lousy sleepy dreamy kind
and then maybe even I could talk of my find
with a deep conviction and peace of mind
but as of now i am tired
of forced efforts and downward spirals
of smelling the longer discontentment in contentment
of always trying to be reasonable and pertinent
but maybe someday my words will get there
and effortlessly dance to a melody written without care
till then maybe i will keep trying
and more and more letters I will keep buying
and maybe someday they will all find that earnest romance
to forever conclude this game of words without another chance
just wait for me till i have my song
and I really hope then you can sing along

The price of Happyness

2011-02-20T20:52:00.000-08:00

Tell me the recipe for happiness
give me the ingredients, and the exact price
Can I cook it in my stockpot
along with dal and rice ..

I often wonder at what great cost
what to value when the value is lost
how in perfect words explain
the poignant demise of an inner joy in someone's casual disdain

will being quiet help
will it bring me real silence
can I do with a fake dish
can I manage the culinary pretence

why can't I just tell you
a little note by note
we create the recipe with understanding
not with ignorance and least by rote

have you tried some simple dishes
like the one I made the other day
when we just took sugar dreams
and put all the store-bought spices away

I hear them saying all the time
perfection in presentation and a hint of lime
but from whatever I have tasted it was always over-cooked
maybe it was an ego being stuffed and the real gravy overlooked

you know when I have loved it best
when I put all judgements to rest
when not for you or for him or her
but only for my soul I set out to decipher
when I did not please nor command
when I chose to neither hold nor reprimand
but rather when I was soaking in the subtle flavor
enjoying every little fruit of labor
when seeing all those colors together in the dish
I had wanted to own a rainbow, that had been my silly wish
they say you need the perfect wine
to host and with loved ones dine
I tell you I have been drunk on joy
which those in control did not for me buy
I fermented my own sense of goodness and beauty
which we all have in some measure
I let it ruminate under a full moon
and shared with someone that treasure
he even made it better and not with things bought with money,
he just always stood by me [in our own vineyard] and offered me his priceless company
and when together once we sat down to a simple meal
lots of thoughts we ate and chewed
I can tell you, in all humility of not knowing a great deal
It was in that kitchen, talking on the dinner table, the most pristine happiness that I ever brewed.

Happiness is an inspiration, it is a leap
how to jump I don't myself always know
but when I can, it comes real cheap.

:)

p.s : This is a hurried attempt at conveying something I sometimes think about through something I almost always am thinking about ..food.

Shall we Dance ?

2011-01-14T14:30:00.000-08:00

" There's a billion people on the planet ... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things ... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'." - From the movie, "Shall we dance?" in response to the question "Why is it that people get married" [2004]

let me be a witness to your life and let us move together along.....
let us dance in unison to the unheard song...
let us step on the thin line between right and wrong...
let me be the wind..and you the rain...
let us ponder on every tiny knot that binds the chain...
let me define grace and beauty...and you shall be the definition..
let me aim to reach perfection..and you shall be the achieved precision...
let me hold my head high....for you are my pride..
let me take not only your goodness...but even your mistakes in my stride...
let me behold the whole you....the person complete...
with all the thoughts that cross my mind....let till eternity our gaze meet..
let me read your eyes....and let me know your soul....
let me be your acquaintance to self...let me make you whole..
let me be everything...let me be nothing..
let me be around...let me be something...
let me not judge you...but let me just take a glance...
as partners in life and death....you and me...the two of us....shall we dance?

p.s : I had read this quote in the "Times of India" before I saw the movie. I had written these lines about 5 years back, on the 24th of January, 2006. Its nice to chance upon old poems, they bring back memories and the forgotten taste of my thoughts when I had written them.

तब कहना हमने प्यार किया..

2010-11-12T21:54:00.000-08:00

I had written this a long time back....was just thinking about these lines today. So, I sat down to find these lines and type them in hindi.

बहुत कुछ आया मन में, बहुत कुछ रह गया,

कितना थामा झूठी मुस्कान को, फिर भी अंत में सब बह गया|

जो स्वयं से बड़ा हो, जो अहम् के परे हो,

बस एक ही है रास्ता, फिर क्यूँ मोड़ पर यूं खड़े हो,

वो रास्ता, वो कदम हर बात से बड़े हैं,

फिर सोचते हैं हम किसका हाथ थामे खड़े हैं?

हर स्पर्श, हर प्रेरणा हर भावना का बस एक कवि,

मारीचिका सी छलती है जिसकी वो पूज्य छवि,

बाकी सब तो एक उलझन में उलझे लगते हैं,

कभी सुन्दर, कभी कठोर, शब्द अर्थों से ठगने लगते हैं|
उस वैराग्य में, उस चेतना में, उस विश्वास में,

वास्तविकता में आध्यात्म के अतुल्य आभास में,

बिना छोर की डोर के सारे विस्तार में,
मन की हर प्रार्थना में व्यक्त आभार में
अपने अस्तित्व के अर्थ को जो एक नए सिरे से दिखलाए,
जो समर्पण में सुख का अनुभव करना सिखलाए,
मैं-तुम और हम नहीं, बस वो ही रह जाता है,

जब एक अनुभूति का ज्ञान हृदय पटल पर आता है
तब लगता है कुछ भी नहीं जाना अब तक तो,

एक भ्रम सा था जीया था जो.

अब इस राह अकेले चलना हैं,
कच्ची मिटटी को कुछ राख से मलना है
फिर उससे मिलना है, उसको जानना है,

तुम्हे नहीं, बस उसी को आधार मानना है.

उसी से क्षमा, उसी से कृपा, उसी से बस ध्यान चाहिए,
इस जीवन में स्नेह सीख जाऊं, इतना आत्म-ज्ञान चाहिए,

वो अथाह, वो निर्बाध,

वो अबोध, वो निरपराध,

उसको समझ लिया, उसको ग्रहण किया और उसको अगर धार लिया,
तब समझना सब साधना हो गई, तब कहना हमने प्यार किया..

A parallel universe

2010-01-11T00:05:00.001-08:00

Heavily pregnant, waiting to be born,
What a deceitful garb such dreams adorn,
Enacting themselves in a parallel universe somewhere
Not letting reality take in her share.

Boond..

2009-12-19T18:33:00.000-08:00

On a cold winter night
after a late evening shower
I was walking home
alone, with the usual unwanted burden
that I like to carry

Suddenly she landed upon me
losing herself in that moment
shedding all her burdens of tomorrow
surrendering submitting
to the happiness of now.

The big drop ..

Boond..

Udaan-II

2009-12-10T01:57:00.000-08:00

यूँहीं एक दिन, खाली बैठे, कागज़ पे कुछ बनाया था

कुछ आड़ी-तिरछी रेखाओं से कुछ मन का हिसाब लगाया था

कुछ आकांक्षाएँ थीं, जिन्हें नापकर कम किया था

कुछ खुले हुए घावों को समय की तार से सीया था

कुछ यादों को जमा घटा किया

थोडा किसी कड़वे सच को पिया

सब नाप तौलकर समझ लिया

फिर एक नया रंग लिया

कुछ बादलों में रुई भर दी आखिर

उन्हें एक आकाश के लिए स्वतंत्र किया

कुछ अभिलाषाओं के अर्थ को

और थोड़े से यथार्थ को

लेकर सोचा अब निकल पडूँ

बहुत दूर से देख चुकी,

क्या मैं भी आज,

इस नभ में उडूँ?

Udaan..

2009-11-30T00:01:00.000-08:00

खुरच खुरच कर यादों से ,
क्यूँ दुःख ही बस चुनते हैं
क्यूँ कभी उस बेहिचक सी,
स्वछंद हंसी की
खिलखिलाहट को नहीं सुनते हैं

किसी की बंधी सोच से ,
हम क्यूँ बंध जाते हैं
किसी के अहम् की क्षुधा को
क्यूँ अपने आसुओं से बुझाते हैं

अपने परों पे उड़ना
अपनी राहों पे मुड़ना
अपने रंगों की बूंदों से
अपने जीवन चित्र को बुनना

यह अहंकार नहीं
मेरा अधिकार है
मेरी हर परिभाषा
मेरे सपनों की हर उड़ान का आधार है

उड़ान

Yuhiin...

2009-10-25T23:46:00.000-07:00

कभी कभी गुज़र जाते हैं
ढेर सारे सपनों और रंगों का बोझ लिए,
डरे डरे से, थके हुए
बिना कुछ स्याही से लिखे , कहीं
बस यूहीं..

The broken Dream..

2009-10-13T00:47:00.000-07:00

I don't really remember
how old I was
when I first breathed
the smell of rain

It never occured to me then
that this is how
looking at the parched earth
meeting water
I had welcomed the knowledge of pain

Looking at innocuous blossoms
against a clear blue sky
I unknowingly found answers
to every single why

I shaped my right and wrong
and forged in into every poem and song
wove it with colorful dreams
which lay lazily under sunlit beams

I learnt to talk to the moon by my own
and share with it all my fears
for I had heard many stories
of the hefty price of tears
I sat in a thoughtful poets' pose
on a full moon night
I did not care then to know
of how to usher in the morning light

But then, they started growing, moving
often turning in my sleep
Beginning to paint their own pictures
Secretly, somewhere deep

For long I neglected
found more words and thoughts
to feed their growing appetite
and all the attention that they sought

But when I could no longer contain
that irresistible want for reality
I took the chance and
gifted them to this world's duality

For a while, it was all beautiful and fine
and I could hear the distant wind chime
I smiled at passing flowers
and words for me, still rhymed

But then, day by day,
something scraped a little of them away
hurting in the process
as they struggled to grow and stay

It was a long long illness
that left so many scars
like the memoirs of
long forgotten dead stars

I smile sometimes
sometimes I cry
At other times
I simply try

To have them once again rest
with their wings on the flower bed
and let them feel the sunlight alone
and watch from far instead

But I know its different and they are shy
I sometimes have even heard them cry
I ask them of what took away that desire
to flow tirelessly and never retire

At last, one day in a casual reflection
without the least intent of inspection
I noticed the crack that I had long ignored
that I had assumed time would have cured
lying wearily under that sunlit beam
in the light of the day
I saw "the broken dream"

Freedom

2009-09-11T20:52:00.000-07:00

"A brief candle; both ends burning
An endless mile; a bus wheel turning
A friend to share the lonesome times
A handshake and a sip of wine
So say it loud and let it ring
We are all a part of everything
The future, present and the past
Fly on proud bird
You're free at last."- Charlie Daniels

The immeasurable stretch of a cloudless blue sky,
The millions of possibilities ripening in a single "why",
The countless drops that bathe the earth on a cloud's whim
The overpowering urge to flow beyond the brim

The way I choose to feel the pace of time and space
The lines I draw to define the already known face
The smile I wear or the frown I bear
Whether or not I give in to a wandering, homeless tear

The words I write for whatever transpires
unknowingly, secretly, that thinks and inspires
Without permission, wandering into extremes,
From dark memories to daylight dreams

Like the kite bound with an invisible string
Like the whole color palette rainbows bring
The shades I pick to fill in the picture
Each mind open to its own conjecture

A leaf allowed to make its green
The moon deciphering what the tides mean
The sea pouring out its unbound emotion
The sunflower binding in its unstinted devotion

Where is the boundary that describes the norm
Tell me of a water that adheres to form
I want the leaf that knows its home
Or thoughts that don't wander or roam

A stolen silence or cacophony
Ignorant bliss or a thoughtful agony
The earth and the heavens and everything in between
Are entitled to set the stage for the scene

Merging, melting and growing,
evolving each day in the myth of control,
In making small choices, in designing
our sphere of life, we actually own the whole

With each step, every glance
each move, every stance
In losing the owned, protected and decreed
Somewhere a part of myself I freed

Like the mountains, the earth, the sea, the sky
Like the lonely leaf , even the little bee that just passed by,
I was born free
and that is how it shall for eternity be.

Free..

Lurks somewhere..

2009-08-12T10:24:00.000-07:00

Painting is a lot like poetry; a means for an unbridled expression with the veil of a well-concealed exterior. Overflowing with what is not obvious(to the eye), a lot lurks in the shadow of every stroke...

Lurks somewhere,

the depth of sadness
in the many dimensions of pain,
the brightness in flowery colors
smothered by a dark stain
the freedom of whatever
in the realm of forever
staining the white
into expressions struggling to define the right
a stroke to contradictions, another to defeat
a deepened scar of the red, with a shade of deceit
casual spring merged with earthy grace
wandering happiness that some contours embrace
to cherish , to spin into memories
in a veil of abstraction, definite stories
dreams gilded, bound by oil
a cooking kitchen for the inner turmoil
a peaceful white
some artificial light
a fall leaf
a faraway sight

lurks somewhere

shuffling across the many layered
shades never owned or bared
brushes always guarded and protected
never allowed to influence
the shapes of time and space
the control a mere pretence

lurks somewhere

all this and more, in closed and open doors
in wooden faces and checkered floors
in landscapes , dunes and mountains by the sea
in all that was and all that could never be,

lurks somewhere

an introspection
a submission
a regret a little history
a tinge of laughter
a longtime victory

lurks somewhere

in my canvas
s o m e w h e r e

The 'cloud'..

2008-05-30T14:40:00.000-07:00

A cloud of dreamy consciousness floats somewhere in my mind,
lots of staggered patterns of time and space left far behind.

Little droplets..with a little history huddled in each,
secrets of the universe...all within their reach.
Its just the precise pattern of light that must from the heavens glow,
for the disclosure and alignment of the seven colors of the rainbow.
Till then, mostly silence prevails in the inner reaches of the dense ,
Every day leaves it marks somewhere on the outside..each with a subtle reference.

Floating in this continuum of time and space
each moment is a like a frozen bit of realization
Despite the uncertainty, there is a definite grace
with which the cloud assimilates each new agglomeration

I am a distant observer, I do not bring the rain,
I do not form its patterns, I do not cry with it in pain..

We are a disjoint set..yet we seem the same,
Our paths are interestingly arranged, in the grander scheme.

I sometimes wonder...what lies in the reach of this cloud,
Does it try to speak to me...is the outside world too loud?
I also think of all the clouds that have ever been,
Some which 'rain-washed' ignorance, some whose rains were never seen.

What makes the cloud happy..what does it keep on thinking?
In the days of insignificance that it has...what chains of drops does it keep linking?

A perfect crystallization of an abstract thought, could it ever insinuate ?
What of significance and importance in the larger scheme of things..could it ever procreate?

The cloud is innocuous...does it know of possibilities ?
Can it for itself understand its identity...its burden of responsibilities?

What does the cloud think of the 'everyday' drops..and what of the drops of deep thought,
Each one with their own significance, each one sometimes wanted and sought..

I sometimes get so puzzled..that I mumble out aloud..
The eternal mystery of myself..my questions to "the cloud"

The cloud :)

DREAMS OF PAPER..

2008-02-09T21:32:00.000-08:00

Dreams of paper

Like looking at floating, crisp little white clouds scattered across a blue sky,
Like the sound of an aeroplane that brings back the childish urge to fly
Like puddles of water after a sudden rain,
Like an old paper napkin with a birthday cake stain

dreams of paper..

grow along as we do..
are cursed birds that never flew

Like poetry never shared or read
Like little disappointments that are never declared
like amateur art being praised by a critic
paper colored in imagination; nonetheless artistic

dreams of paper

keep crawling along...and never find their feet
are secret smiles of victory in defeat

Like a star studded sky covered with clouds of storm
like a gifted brilliance that lacks expression and form
Like music lost in its own silence
like a conviction without defense

dreams of paper

float in little paper boats sometimes
jingle in the random music of wind chimes
wait all through for words to pen them down someday
or blessings of reality to sweep them away

dreams of paper

Like ripples in long stagnant water
like the road from before to after
like a basketful of wishes, packed in style,
not unwrapped too often; too sacred and fragile

The natural smile which a long forgotten nursery rhyme brings
Dreams of paper
are among all things...my most "forever" belongings

Dreams of paper

Through seasons and moods..

2008-01-02T19:40:00.000-08:00

"....I realise that I do not understand what or who can fill this inner void..this little voice of dissatisfaction drowns everyday amidst
the so many conversations I have or the day-to-day activities that I engage in ..but nevertheless it is always there, to remind me that somewhere an inner
equilibrium needs to be achieved."

The only leaf on a bare tree ,the last one to leave,
How long is she going to stay, how long can the winter she deceive

A different blend, new shades
to give in to change, the autumn fades

From a quiet autumn , to a quieter winter cold,
From the first step..a continuation to a journey untold..
A change... in every passing moment..of a mysterious flickering light,
Like a silence..disturbed every instant..still pretending to be quiet

Equilibrium is a mirage one can never reach,
The laws of equanimity we unconsciously always breach,
for there is a beautifully insane dynamism that operates,
something striking about the way the conundrum iterates..
Stability is a myth, because there is a constant spur
The winds change direction ...the leaves incoherently murmur..
In this momentum, it is rather difficult to pause and think
To understand the "why" underlying everything, to justify every link
This is an endless mystery..the gradual unfolding of time
Like the unrestrained flow of water ..sans reason or rhyme
Silent spectators and participants we are..in our own sense,
to the many beginnings and unending conclusions that again commence,
Little dreams scattered amidst patterns of reality that form each day
Sometimes lost...sometimes a few manage to find the way..
An inner and outer world coexist in a struggle for harmony..
In weaving our definitions of self..a composition ..a symphony

Sometimes..it becomes difficult to appreciate this constant unrest,
Moods that swing to the negative to its unexplained behest
The inner music that goes out of synchronism
as chaos sometimes maligns this benign dynamism
The seasons seem unreasonable and the winter far too white
The sky too cloudy and mornings no more bright..

But,it must come full circle ..the purpose and the meaning
From a defeated winter with bare trees..to a flower laden spring
An appreciation ,as through a usual day I cruise
Of this unfailing optimism which in spite of everything I amuse,
I try to paint my own picture..I try to gather the hues,
I attempt to achieve a balance..I struggle to shun away the blues..

Of all I grasp, of all I see..
Through seasons and moods..as I continue to be,
I ponder and think..and my eternal questions I address
In all this somewhere..Lies my quest for an 'indefinable happiness'

A DREAM NEVER SEEN...

2007-08-22T11:51:00.000-07:00

However hard I try ..they come back to make me feel new each time..
However much I forget ...I am always reinstated into the search for the sublime..

I have some vision in my mind..I have some goal in my eyes..
A childishly mischievous..maturely rebellious passion that an outer calm belies
A haunting sketch of the shape of a dream in a blur
An all-governing emotion to which I completely surrender..

A quest..a journey ...an unknown destination
A step...a pause....an effort towards disambiguation
A mirage ...that enamors me since forever
A strange..eerie..sense of a beautiful possibility in a never

I cannot explain..I do not know
The what and why of it all..as my boat the winds row..
sometimes I forget..this bigger picture I see
and then again it comes back ...hurling questions at me..

I know just this..that I do not belong..
I have to carve in conviction..the words of my own song
I have to judge only myself..and be my special friend.
I have to find you through this dream..I just have to comprehend..

To remind me again and again...you throw the charms once more.
I regret having lost sight of you...I regret my ignorance of what is in store..
But when I know that you are there...
love , anger, tears and smiles..all of mine to share..
Then I am ready to struggle and find my meaning
my steps prepared to register in each day..a new beginning

Just to let you know..some thoughts are painful..
others plain distracting..but some.. purely beautiful...
my past visits me sometimes..just to blow off some sand..
I let the strewn sand just be..I neither question nor demand..

and..then..this sight comes unannounced ...and wakes me from this thoughtful sleep
I break away from the shackles of the negative..for a look into the real deep..
A voice calls me..a picture wants to be painted..
A road beckons me.... reality secretly urges to be tainted..

just the right thought..just the right devotion
honest true sacred...just the right emotion..
I know I still cannot fathom the depth ..as the empty pages I peruse..
But each day...I live with a beautiful solitude..in companionship of an undefinable muse

it elevates me beyond myself..it urges me look ahead
it binds all my restlessness magically..into a single thread..
Bind me through all my days..never leave me feeling insecure
With all the strength and conviction you lend me..I know there is more I can endure..

Live on...
even after I am gone long
color everything the way you paint my world..
with the shades of beauty you bring along..

May I never lose sight of me and you,
May all my vows to myself I never undo
A equanimity to govern me..a strong passion to its behest
a little gratitude each day..and a purpose to invest

for the enchanting realm which a half baked persistence of thought takes me to..
I am grateful for all the inexplicable definitions the indefinite imbue..
For long struggles and victories in lands to which I have never been
My gratitude for the bewitching trance of a dream never seen.

CONFLUENCE..

2007-08-12T08:09:00.000-07:00

"I am like a remnant of a cloud of autumn uselessly roaming in the sky ; O sun ever-glorious ! Thy touch has not yet melted my vapour, making me one with light, and thus I count months and years separated from thee.
If this be thy wish and if this be thy play , then take this fleeting emptiness of mine, paint it with colors, gild it with gold, float it on the wanton wind and spread it in varied wonders.And again when it shall be thy wish to end this play at night, I shall melt and vanish away in the dark, or it may be in a smile of the white morning, in a coolness of purity transparent."

~from Geetanjali(Rabindranath Tagore)

Confluence :(n) meeting ;a place where things merge or flow together .

Walking the line between a dreamy perfection and a practical compulsion ,
Amidst the struggle to convince a rebelling intuition
I listen on sometimes...numb in mind,sans any defence
amazed at my tolerance of the inner "incongruence".

Millions of thoughts-dreams , hopes, regrets , fear , anticipation
The never ending attempt to bind these to a single definition
To harmonize , to align
To conquer and to a peace forever resign.

The azure of the sky , the different shades that it takes ,
The kaliedoscope of distinction collapses and then the white it makes.
I wonder if a million more shades are evoked by each reflection
I admit to only a number..limited by my human perception
As colors blend into one another
Hues are born , Shades meet and wither

The flourishing night and the fading sunlight,
Each day..meet at twilight
The silent conversation at dusk...that concludes the sunshine for the day,
Stars congregate to adorn the gathering ..the rendezvous with the last ray
Unfailingly each day...in a divine rhythm they meet
To weave the cosmic conspiracy..darkness and light greet

the rhythmic movement of fingers to the tune the mind creates,
In anticipation of the next note..at resonance the peak vacillates
the aural communication , a coordination beyond recognition
free flow of the indefinite..sound in a servile submission
the deliverance of emotions, the acme of intensity ,
A beautiful concourse of sounds..euphony in stark simplicity .

When rivers meet and merge into a third entity
A transparency shared..the waters fabricate a new identity
At the ocean's threshold , the unruly waters bow in deference
Since the beginning of time..this has been..the final confluence..

But the insoluble and the soluble distinguish
Water and Oil ...to each other never relinquish
The gracefully careless movement of oil on the surface of water
A boundary preserved...in meeting with the other..
On the far end , the dissolution into the similar with a spontaneous belongingness
In a casual greeting , the forged bond of oneness
this is how a tiny droplet grows
each time ...the dynamic stability of a perfect sphere shows

If an inner harmony could be so created
In tune , in sync.. the restlessness abated
If a rhythm could bind ,if a convolution could hold
The inundated emotions that flood the mind...as my days unfold

grant me..the freedom of water , the solitude of stars
The colors from the sunset ...the fragrance of flowers..
Let me touch once, let me fly
The hallowed corridors of your abode..the lights that graze the sky.

Between the conscious and subconscious
Through the free flowing and the maligned viscous..
across dreams and reality..between now and eternity..
a mere bubble of ignorance exists..
from the cauldron of illusion...smoky visions persist...
vanquish the duality that this brings..
lend me my own independence of divine wings..
command all these contradictions to meet and forever dissolve
Lead me to light..to renew..to absolve
The precise balance in merging and dissolution
that can demystify reality with an enlightening justification

With a single blessing , an inspiration ..a casual whim of your divine influence ...
Resolve my inner conundrum ..lead me to a sacred "confluence"..

I AM...

2007-07-09T10:18:00.000-07:00

"Kanha , Have I bought; the price he asked I paid ;
Some cry , "Too great", while others jeer," 'T was small";
I paid in full, weighed to the utmost grain ,
My love, my life, my self, my soul, my all. "

~ Mirabai(E.L Turnbull)

From the diaries of Princess Mirabai ...

In a paragon of the abstract
The supreme reigning fact
a statement of staunch belief , a faith translated ,
In triumph over the unconquerable , victory delineated.
an unbound , free sense of truth demands
a pedestral beyond what classification commands
In potrait ;in essense
In obeisance; in reverence
of a love that transcends its own boundaries
from the corrupting clutches of convention it flees

The tumult of thought put to a premanent rest,
the everlasting victory of self-conquest
me and my silence ..are forever friends,
Involved and engrossed..in a conversation that never ends..
the first oath , the first promise
is unswerving allegiance to one's own premise

An upliftment of the soul ,
An innate independence , a beautiful resonance of the whole
An emotion of unbridled exhilaration,
When to the self, the self becomes an inspiration,
An inner equation of essence deciphered,
A higher state of living acquired.

When the consequent emotion cosumes all ;
When singularity of thought governs the divine protocol
The union of self with the unattainable ,
when darkness and light become indistinguishable,
When godliness pervades the mind ,
When the futility of existence is left far behind.

From the tangled , aimless milieu of thoughts , one state of being emerges;
When an ultimate peace reigns within, to which each and all converges ,
When a trance stays on through nights and days,
when through each spoken word , divinity itself conveys.
Attainment of the pinnacle of possibility,
since now and forever ...a continuing self-discovery.

A stand of equanimity against the dislocating dynamism that operates ,
In a giant leap across the chasm , the shallow "knowledge" of all evaporates,
What remains is a pure nothingness;
The first fresh morning of the soul's regress.

An overpowering thought, a precise passion
An association with light , an indelible impression
A compilation of all that was and is ,
An exaltation of life , a catharsis.

The most enriching tribute to existence,
Through the veins of a troubled conscience, a purging renaissance
Thoughts traversed , judgements surrendered ,
In absolute blankness, the eternal expression discovered .

When the revered is surpassed by the sheer greatness of reverence ,
When love and the loved lose meaning and difference,
The gratifying thought is all that prevails ,
The aura of faith nurtures , the identification of the object fails.

A unique solution , a secret pleasure,
That rational wrappers of knowledge can never fathom or measure.
No justification , explanation, or want of credence,
A simple , uncorrupted unguarded deference.

An acme of concentration , the zenith of convergence,
The invincibility of a vulnerability that seeks no defence.
A soft submission of a nascent mind , to a reach beyond the guarded,
The ecstasy that can not be shared, the robes of normalcy discarded.

Like the simple manner in which water satiates,
Like the grace with which darkness light dissipates.
Like when one and only one emotion throughtout permeates
Like unto its highest , it to itself , perpetrates.

A feeling with no comparable description ,
A supreme liberation ..with the master's permission.

In the midst of opposites each day,
we painfully struggle to find a way..
Like that path has been found,
lit with confirmation, where no contradictions question and hound.

Differences become immaterial to the inner harmony that reigns,
A continuing end, an everlasting conclusion that seeks no means.

In the big book from the heavens , I always searched for me ,
One day I found my name , merged with an expression of thee.
I amalgamated into and beyond myself and you,
My entirety ..a single thought could contain and embue.

Dedicated to the unknown , I bask in the dedication ,
Slave to the greatness, I see my glory in the submission.

Like the first flow through a choked lane,
like the welcome realization of that lost sense of want and pain.
Like moving across destiny's waters and getting drowned,
The day my identity dissolved in them...the real princess was crowned.

To submerge in tranquility
to taste divinity,
to connect with life,
In a relationship of primordial simplicity.

I bond with the eternal , I fly away in time
I float in music , I am chanted in rhyme.
I am the lost , I am the found ,
I am the silence , I am the sound,
I am the sanity of an immeasurable magnitude
I am the assimilation of an infinite gratitude..
I am a thought in a crystal clarity
I am the completeness of a definite finality

I am...the indefatigable spirit that thrives in the core,
I am the evolution..the because..the only, the thus ...the therefore..

I am.

WHERE SHE COULD BELONG...

2007-05-10T05:34:00.000-07:00

Of a seed..
that had been wronged
taken away by that southern wind
from where she had belonged..

From an unknown seed carried by the southern wind you came ,
the unnoticed nook in the wall captured you forever , to hold ,to own and tame..
from where did you come ,uninvited, you never revealed
within yourself the part , the whole ...you always concealed
so long as you were quiet ..the walls ignored your presence,
in each moment of a constant change ...the inactivity as a pretence
then on a gray day...the first rain was here
the water that had tasted that earth ...which to you had been dear
that blinded the closed eyes..with a sunshine never seen
that stimulated the touch of ...the dew drops that had never been
that treasure of the soul...that rested in sleep since long ago
woke up in surprise....to know of the rain...to welcome her flow
the metamorphosis...the rain-brought realization of a new form
since the last casual journey with the treachrous winds,a permanent adherence to a new norm
the little roots , the first leaf.. that special shade of green
very much like that faraway tree...you have never even seen
each day...you spread a little more than yesterday
with the evening breeze...you freely chatter and sway
that incessantly fluttering little leaf , so pleased with the breeze
the slight crack in the wall..the width always on an increase
this way ,that way...you move in a careless mirth ,
how long shall the roots bind you .. to the lost touch of the earth,
a slight perturbation,a monstrous change
when in betrayal of the puffy white clouds, stormy patterns arrange
one day..the walls shall revolt and the storm will merge with the rain
the little leaves will be humbled and the roots shall know the pain
the rain dictated by the storm's ambition
here to strike with an insider's permission
to uproot that statement of identity carved in the wall
to conspire with the power of the wind..to witness this fall
the nook was never yours, it was losing patience
the roots held onto foolishly , a powerless defence
it was a pattern of hurt in a viel of ownership ,
a dominance so stealthily stolen , a feigned partership,
the rain came again in silence and mourned with the scent you had known
of the land that you could hold on forever , of where a tree had grown
All was lost ..only a hope just remained ,
long after the the storm was gone..and the crying heavens had rained ,
of a meeting with "that" green ,whose part here did flourish
of once smelling that land of birth..that could protect and nourish
of a sight of a frivolous movement to the wind's direction
of a childhood carefully groomed ...under the earth's sturdy supervision
of this the last leaf had dreamt ; clinging to the wall...praying all along..
to fly with southern wind one last time...to "that" tree where she could belong..

OF A FREE BIRD...

2007-04-26T00:57:00.000-07:00

ek svachand panchii ke par-on mein chipa aasmaan ka vistaar
yatharth ki dor se pare....aseemit aakankshaaon ka aadhaar...

of a free bird...liberated , undeterred,
of the wings of freedom ..unending, untethered,
the eternal romance of flight with the skies..
the indefinite equation where no boundary applies..
the sacred forbidden route to a chaos now identified
the weird shape of the cloud of thought forever justified
the journey with no promise to return
the care without motive or concern
of a flow , an inundated movement
independent , unbound, resurgent
of a lost sense of what "ought" ,
of an ecstasy of a choice since forever sought
of words that melt held notions,
that challenge hidden questions...fuel discussions..
on a vast canvas in a stretch of infinite dimension,
a newly painted interpretation that seeks no affirmation
of a flood that enriches as it engulfs in entirety
of a deep bond not corrupted by a displayed affinity..
of a thoughtless love...of a thoughtful solitude
of a victory celebrated..with a loser's attitude
of letting go all caged and imprisoned in the self somewhere.
no more the nervous glance..now a piercing stare
abandoning questions ..an elopement with the answers
to forget the words that formed ...to appreciate the jumbled letters
to experience an inner revolt ; to be wary of acceptance
to turn back and, with pride, reject the inviting entrance
for once..to follow the inner steps with closed eyes
to let go of reality for the imagination that flies..
to visit her land...to know her soul
to begin the journey.. to forget the goal
to borrow some dreams from her again
to speak in my own language..without having to explain
to see everything as she dictates
as my shackled expression she liberates
across her..beyond her
to..conquer , to..surrender
in the whirlpool of a comforting illusion
in the long awaited flight for migration
of my first desire..of my last will
of an escapade with freedom.. of the nascent thrill
a melting dream of wax wings...carefully moulded and sintered...
the first flight to the blazing sun...of a free bird ..

THE FOOTPRINTS IN THE SAND..

2007-04-16T01:19:00.000-07:00

like the unnoticed continuous rhythm of breath in each passing moment,
like the quiet monotonous acceptance of each nameless event,
like the inability to distinguish between the voluntary and the fated,
like the forgotten description of what you had once owned and created ,
like the dance steps that cease to define movement,
like the similarity forcibly assigned to the widely different ,
like the order imposed without a rebellion,
like the prosaic alikeness of all of a million..
like the music that has a dull harmony without a soul,
like the pendulum that oscillates without a particular goal.
like a stuck chord ;like a frozen drop
like a marathon walk; like a sudden stop
like an unfamiliar comfort in a dull similitude,
like a nonchalance smeared over a thinker's attitude
like an unsaid agreement with circumstance,
to float and live in a self chosen instance
like the frozen expression of a portriat to keep
like the unrest in emotions sent to a cosy sleep
like a thought arrested ;like the past visited
like a little present ;like the many gifted
like a bit of yesterday like a bit of today
like all together...the same..everyday
like the definition of average ..
like an unexplained bondage
like discovering an identity in being lost
like the comforting numbness of a winter frost
like a stillness not followed by disaster
like a tomorrow that will want no answer
like a direction beyond identification
like a journey without destination
like lots of thoughts sans organisation
like a chronic disease that eludes prescription
like a strange locking into a shy stability
like a surprising pact with adaptability
like an innocent laughter without derision
like a complacence inspite of a blurred vision
like the unwilling slow movement towards an impending change
like the settling into an odd warmth..unknown and strange
like a contentment without purpose and form
like the heaviness in the air before a storm
like an insecurity masked in resignation
like a half-heartedly conquered apprehension
like leaving for the waters ..away from your land...
like looking back...in a thoughtful glance... at the footprints in the sand..

IN A LITTLE BASKET..

2007-04-07T05:14:00.000-07:00

each day..I knew it was going some new way..
I wondered if I could hold on time...I wondered if it could stay..
I somehow remember again today..
how a part of me..to it I gave away..
the first gift..I dared to give..
the first wait..I chose to live..

painting a soiled canvas or dressing a scar,
admiring the petals of a crushed flower.
vulnerability of power
thirst that preceeds a long awaited shower
smile that mocks pain
helplessness that struggles in vain
folds in a crushed paper ...which can never be erased
the crisp originality of first dreams..that reality never brazed..
the first cautious step ...the insecurity in confidence,
the excitement to begin walking...the weakened self defence
in the expanse of my palm..to collect and hold tight..
my most precious treasures..my wrong and right..
a million words , carefully chosen
a dried leaf ...of that winter season
my sketches in time,
my first nursery rhyme,
my notes on life...dated long back,
my dreams , my beliefs...from that sacred stack..
my sea-shells ...my bedtime stories and tales,
my coloring book..my collection of old cards and mails.
the pitter patter of a someday rain ,
the rhythm of a faraway passing train
steps carved out in wet soil,
"wrapped"... a part of me in a silver foil...
I dedicated all this...I put it in a little basket ...
to the flow of the stream i then gave forever..my treasured casket..
no assurance, no confirmation
but I still wait ...in sheer anticipation..
an isolated untarnished optimism demands of me..
to trust that in the turbulent waters...a reflection of myself I shall someday see..
I wonder if it even remembers or thinks..
as deeper each day..my hope and my casket sinks..
I do not seek a forced retrieval..
I do not want a deliberate recital
But someday..I want it back..untouched preserved
my submission of self...that the waters never deserved...

DISCOVERING "ME"..

2007-03-25T10:24:00.000-07:00

In silence..with mometary quietus ..
Contemplate , ponder , discuss
In a single leap of thought..I traverse..
with a single line of poetry ..lands of emotions diverse.
The narrow boundary between love and hate..
The subtle distinction between overflow and satiate..
The slightly skewed self-communication..
A soliloquy ....a "me" in conversation
to pause at every crumple ...to further crease the memory,
every smile or tear captured...to compile the final story..
to smoothen out certain folds..that disturb the process of thought..
to fill in emotions where nothing remains..to calm a thirsty drought..
to arrange..to organise..all in the unwritten chronicles of the mind..
to gather some newer parts of self...to leave some old ones ...behind..
to mourn at what broke..my crystal vase of hope and light..
to remember its delicacy..and my foolish childish delight..
to let some colors in....from the pack of my childhood things
to set free some imagination...borrowed from the gift of wings ..
to hear the echo of laughter old ..
to remember secrets never shared or told..
to smile and cry together...to thus entertain confusion..
to hurriedly edit inundated sentiments...to clear the blurred vision
to rationalize..to sympathise..with idealism wounded and hurt ,
to learn to be accepting....of that occasional speck of dirt..
the half-hearted oscillations about where reality lives,
superimposed upon the creatively crafted ...the perceptions she forcefully gives..
to still learn to preserve and gradually own...
in the guise of circumstance...weeds of thoughts that have grown..
to recollect some..to still feel the anguish
to succumb to the darkness that gnaws..to then fail to distinguish..
to search for pure oblivion....forgetfulness as a defence..
to end the interaction in haste..to welcome a blissful ignorance
This occasional glimpse into those hidden thoughts...
which I not everyday unlock and see...
a little step of my eternal journey with myself...
of someday...discovering "me"...

TO BE BORN A RIVER ..

2007-03-08T04:36:00.000-08:00

The Ganges at sunset looks very beautiful..the rays of the setting sun create an orangish luminescence on her surface....
How would it be to be born a river..and witness this each day...

To be born a river, to wander for destinations,
To just be pure water , oblivious of stern definitions.
Pristine in form , bathed in sunlight,
the calm sheath unaware of the shimmering orange bright,
To carve a path , to leave a mark
colorless in my hands, black at dark.
To witness sunset and sunrise across her vast expanse,
The graceful meandering poses to humble and entrance,
To dwell with the starry skies at night,
To weave dreams of the silvery moonlight,
To be dressed in the silk of an exquisite elegance,
To roar in agony and then the powerless pretence,
To share aquaintance with the bird that flew,
To hum the song of the winter wind that blew.
To dictate the banks, to know their spread,
To lead with wisdom and yet still be led.
To know the boats that glide so swift,
to feel the pulse of the silent currents that drift.
by night, by day,
a constant momentum invited forever to stay.
to have no beginning, to have no end
to discover the pleasure of acknowledging each bend,
to hold in sacred trust , the deep secrets of the land,
to satiate, to nurture, the parched dry sand.
water upon water, thus to feel rain ,
one with itself, the sprinkled easing of pain.
Translucent watery eyes, with floating ,changing dreams,
they own none, just mirrors to the cast themes.
She has a story she never tells,
she shapes a rock but never dwells.
The detached attachment of a wanderer true,
She speaks to heaven's across the blue
She charts her own course , free to flow,
But only of the ocean she must know.
To merge and still contain,
To give up and still refrain.
to own an identity beyond what engulfs her whole,
to exist an existence she casually from the mountains stole,
to mystify with her raw sanctity,
childish anger, sacred divinity
to hold many names , to still elude description
to just tame water and yet kindle imagination.
an enormity beyond what my perception can deliver,
I smile at the evening thought ..."to be born a river" ..

IN CHAOS, IN ORDER ...

2007-02-16T22:33:00.000-08:00

"It turns out that an eerie type of chaos can lurk just behind a facade of order--and yet, deep inside the chaos lurks an even eerier type of order. "

What is the limit to the resolution of perception
how to define perfection in understanding precision.
What is the dimension of multiple linked lines of thought,
how to smoothen the differences two different perspectives brought.
What is the limit of order
How to clearly set a definite border.
How to quantify , How to read,
Numbers that have been beyond limits freed.
How to not simply talk of infinity
But be well aquainted in a relation of simplicity.
How to erase the curves of questions,
With that single answer to all their versions.
How to integrate beyond imagination ,
The divide in the continuum of flow, this eerie distinction.
Where this melts , the difference ceases to exist,
Where visions beyond this reality begin to persist,
Where all this converges into a single enlightenment
a single explanation for every inexplicable development.
If I could grasp, If I could know
with an intuitive intimacy, the pattern in which complexities grow.
In calculative deductions, the touch of the artistic,
In the realms of logic, the first steps of the mystic.
to visit this borderline between madness and sanity,
to witness the arrival of a permanent eternity.
To live in that knowledge , to revere its gifts,
The immaculate understanding that never alters or drifts.
Thats all i seek , thats all i want to see..
The underlying mechanism that runs this world of thee.
In chaos , In order ,
in learning , in wonder ,
In humbling inspiration
In my ignorance and its realization.
In whatever beyond possiblity that could ever be..
In all my entangled definitions...just abide with me..

"Familiar, condescending, patient, free,
Who like Thyself my guide and stay can be?
Heaven's morning breaks, and Earth's vain shadows flee!
Come, not to sojourn, but abide with me."

THE BOOK REVIEW..

2007-02-10T23:49:00.000-08:00

A casual thought, a slight remark,
stern demarcation by a comparison stark,
The smell of fresh print..... the strange delight,
Text read under shadows of a dim yellow light.
Thoughts reinforced, thoughts created,
opinions discarded, ideals venerated .
The book and me , alone.. inspite of the din,
Weaving a pattern of emotions...we thus begin
.....................................................................................

The first page begins with a dedication,
the rest vulnerable and open to interpretation
the ink changes, even the handwriting often,
smudged with tears.. the pages soften.
in so many thoughful mirrors; multiple reflections,
with time some fade, mere optical illusions,
some crosswords confront, some words perplex,
unsaid understanding yields to a vocabulary complex.
The words are known , by meaning well,
But their precise purpose is difficult to tell.
To grasp the core , and leave the rest,
In least words , conviction conveys the best.
flip a few more, still the constancy prevails,
through the entwined accounts, a single theme pervades.
that theme, that crystallised agglomeration,
to dreams, to life , to light : an eternal affirmation.
stories begin , chapters end,
with changing seasons, changing trend,
but a dry petal, leaves preserved ,
bookmarked notes, instances well-observed.
underlined in pencil, some line of thought,
erased after a while, the meaning no more sought.
All these seek a definition beyond it all,
reaching high without claiming tall.
A fruitful journey, the path to realization.
a few digressions , and "self-preservation"
Turn back a few pages, reassurance,
that single binding thread, her presence,
All pages are in white ahead,
And the last has not yet been read.
Enough written , enough told,
dreams shared, this page I fold
...........................................................................

To complete, to conclude, to judge anew,
Time shall be back....to refresh, to renew
these closing lines for" the Book Review".

IN SEARCH OF..

2007-01-20T07:07:00.000-08:00

Khoj

In search of..

an ephemeral eternity,
an artificial tranquility,
cherished silences,
well-meant promises.

In search of..

the moon on a moonless night,
the inner light in the outer bright.
sunshine on a cloudy winter day,
Some childhood games I still can play.

In search of..

the ability to see and discern
the first lesson I am yet to learn.
belief faith patience
beyond words stories pretence.

In search of..

me myself mine
curvature in a straight line.
the supreme equation
the clarity in that single definition.

In search of..

the faith beyond reason,
the never changing season.
the forgotten indictment,
the final judgement.

In search of..

realigned emotions,
vivid visions.
an understanding without attempt,
Acceptance without contempt.

In search of..

The burden of reality,
borne with a humbling tenacity,
Beauty in all simplicity,
Innocent rawness in creativity.
Honesty in appreciation,
A delicately succint expression.

In search of..

The taste of the winds of change,
Circumstances I can craft and arrange.
Illusions that shatter at the first touch,
destinations reached without walking much.

In search of..

the permanent reflection,
the divinity in perfection.
a non-rehearsed presentation,
the first draft of a dedication.

In search of..

amateur painting , jumbled handwriting,
clumsy embriodery, out of tune singing,
unreasonable idealism that clings,
dreams without wax wings.

In search of...

eyes that don't complain,
three dimensions on a single plane.
experiences that don't teach,
empathy without the desire to preach.

In search of..

conclusions for the endless,
dismay in distress,
admissions of blunder that can undo,
the white smeared over the sky-blue.

In search of..

Baffling conundrums , simple solutions.
That Single word , million connotations,
Poetry composed without a thought,
Unstinting support when least expected or sought.

In search of...

the last number I can count,
the most beautiful memory to create and recount,
a rendezvous with life , the every day meet

In search of..
The ground beneath my feet.

ON A RAINY DAY....

2006-06-09T18:20:00.000-07:00

the meandering movement of a water drop on the surface of a leaf...
the hesistant reality that craves for confirmation..in submission to a belief..

Over the green...the drop rests..along the slight droop..
Some sleepy dream..to wake up....struggles within the thinking loop...

In preparation for the sunshine that will be...
Reflected from the water..some hidden rays i see...

I tighten my grip ..on the umbrella...i wonder about the angle of the rain...
drops of water on my hand....the effort is lost in vain...

I want ...to own and keep ....that leaf I had just seen...
The clouds will take away the day..I just cannot preserve the green...

The umbrella swirls .....and drops fall all around...
Here it is...smiling at me..the hidden memory that I have found...

I want to loosen the hold and let her go free...
Two kids walking in red raincoats ...right ahead I see...

I pick up the leaf now..and put these thoughts on it...
If...if I could hold a coffee mug in both my hands....and pause here and sit...

I brush away ...these silly thoughts...on a rainy day...
With the leaf in one hand....and my umbrella in the other..I smile...and walk away...

On a rainy day......

AT THE END OF THE DAY.....

2006-06-01T22:10:00.000-07:00

the smell of tea just made..the entire process of making it....
the day and my optimism about it...the mastered art of faking it...

the type-written words...i can still read the handwriting,
it will be a busy day..i will still miss something...

i look in the crowd...searching ..
in my ears the sound that never was...yearning...

my eyes are moist....somewhere it rains.....
i smile to a stranger..the tear stains...

i match my footsteps with the rhythm of a memory....
i hold myself close to me.....yet thoughts and dreams wander free....

i write some words..i forget the meanings...
i remember them so well..the hundred little things....

i untie what never was bound....
i imagine someone and turn around...
i talk to flowers that i can't pluck or touch even..
i give a thoughful smile to the setting sun......

i wait for a knock..for footsteps and a voice...
it constantly irritates me.....the machine's humming noise...

i learn..to talk to myself..and try to feel okay and nice...
but the pleasure of hearing you speak..this conversation denies...

the more people i see...the more i know..
that me and myself..to a few i completely owe...
how much...i want..my corner of the shore..
i wait..in anticipation..at the open door...

cautious steps ......the bend i often forget...
eaten alone quietly...that meal i regret....

but then....this realization is so precious ...
slowly the cloudy sky clears...
one day...someday....i will write again this way...
when not in memories but in the present my thoughts will play...
the journey of anticipation.....now my steps are faster ...
the breathing is heavier...but still i don't bother....

along this road..straight ahead...the "destination on the way"...
i will wait right there...with some thoughts..."at the end of the day".........

TIME...

2006-03-13T08:11:00.001-08:00

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to rend, and a time to sew;a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace." - Ecclesiastes

I wish to talk to "time" today,
There is a lot I have to ask and say,
Time was "there" when I laughed and played,
Time was "somewhere" when blunders I made,
Time was musing..when I was lost in thought,
Time was ignorant..when with myself I fought.
Time has the colours,it owns the music,
In it.. coexist the ordinary and the artistic.
Time can paint..beautiful days,
Time can wash away my footprints..even on those well-known ways.
Time can be my best company..make me feel so nice..
Time can hurt by not caring..not even looking back as it flies..
Time can weave illusions..it can quietlty hold little dreams,
It can keep silly secrets..then suddenly leave me alone in reality where nothing is at it seems.
Time is the creator ..the one who ignites..
The dark sleeping corners of my thoughts..with a heavenly aura it lights..
Time knows my childhood..it was "then" ...
Time stays with me even now...in the making of "when"..

Sometimes...
It melts my inner tumult and I forget my unanswered queries,
When I see its tranquility...how with an undisturbed equanimity darkness and light it sees.....
It makes me feel so full of follies..the "me" who will always complain..
My failure to accept and understand its moves...with its silent grace it chooses not to explain.

It is eternal..tirelessly it flows..
It showers unexpected happiness and smiles....it renders sudden blows.
Time is the writer...of the pages that are to be my history..
Laughters pains..moments..it unravels my unnoticed,insignificant mystery.
Time is momentary....in beautiful moments that pass too fast,
Time is stationary....in the agony and pain that will for a lifetime last.
Time is 'mine'..with me it stays,
It gives me a new reality to accept ..then my dreams it betrays.
Time is the healer,the one who protects,
first it hurts with a thoughtless ease...then it seemingly regrets.
It sometimes listens when I sing and I say,
It sways with the winds...gives me hope when I pray.

In time I was..I am and I shall be,
Sometimes I want to follow it with closed eyes..sometimes..I yearn to choose and see..
Time is a manifestation...the interpretation that I am left to contemplate,
It is the witness that acknowledges my existence..with neither love nor hate.
With the anxious waiting eyes of a child...I can but only guess,
The days that time weaves for me...for it lies not in my power to blame or bless.
My insignificance becomes a greater realization,
When i understand there is no choice but resignation.
I err and then I listen to memories that make me sad and weak,
Ignoring the present...only the "was" and "will" I seek.
Time is my inner calm..time is turbulence,
time maybe reality...time maybe sheer pretense.

In history..in monuments...in the endless space,
In growth,stagnation..in the gradual wrinkles of a face.
In winter fog..in autumn leaves..day and night,
In anticipation,apprehension...of what has been or what might.
In the now,then,when that I attempt to define here,
The unnoticed moment that passed away silently..someday..somewhere..

It can let thoughts flow freely...without bothering of consequence or importance,
It can just as easily control reality..in the unquestionable guise of circumstance.
Yet,there are some beliefs that time cannot create or make.
The faith in the existence of dreams and ideals,the desire for rainbows it cannot take...
I must rest my case thus......in all humility,
In appreciation and acceptance of this very second..and that unknown eternity.....
In blossoming flowers..in crushed leaves...in agony..in bliss sublime..
In everything around is somewhere hidden...the unchangeable writ of "Time".

...........

2006-01-25T09:43:00.000-08:00

words have also left me all alone tonight...
I do not know what it is that i really fight..
only tears i own...they are with me...
they take away a little pain.....i can no longer see...
i know it so well...this pain that pains..
i have heard the thundering skies...mercilessly it rains...
let me fly high...never ever to return...
let me not think,yearn...dream or discern...
let me be all alone....wandering without a destination..
without direction or judgement..let me own the thoughless definition..
i will not surrender ..i will rather in arrogance meet..
the darkness that grows within....my inner defeat...
nothing more to write...no words to express..
no more pain to hide ...no anguish to supress..
i have met and known them all...pain...darkness and fears...
i have seen how reality dissolves dreams...in those incessant tears...
i plead you to send them all away...for a while let me rest...
this fear that kills my dreams....this is my submission to its conquest....

BE WITH ME...

2006-01-22T07:31:00.000-08:00

"..I leave my prayers to him alone,
whose will is wiser than my own."

hold my hand ..so that i do not fall down as i walk
hear me speak when i do not have the words to talk..
do not crush the fallen leaves under your feet...
be with me always...until we shall finally meet...
tell me where do i go..and why...
i fail to understand it all...though i often try..
i do not know the beginning and the end to it all...
that sinking feeling in my heart...as i fall....
the darkness which surrounds me...from outside and within..
the inner silence that echoes in my ears...despite the outside din...
dissolve them together...darkness and light..
indistinguishable now...the bleak and the bright...
the sad smile...laughter and pain...
tears flowing....the rhythm of rain...
the "nothingness" in everything..
the meaning in something...
the sharp bend i cannot see...
moments along the way which haunt me...
in definitions i do not know...
in thoughts that were lost somewhere in the flow...
in what i can perceive and what i cannot see...
in right and wrong...in every moment....."be with me"....

A REMEMBRANCE.........

2006-01-08T12:06:00.000-08:00

smriti
The remembrance of someone or something....
a particular fragrance...a thought..a song..or a painting....
that brings back some thoughts lost somewhere within memories.....
like the sweet narration of nursery rhymes and forgotten childhood stories...

I remember....The smell of crayons in my hands..
The mud-palaces made in the sands..

The rusted chains of the swing and that attempt to reach the moon...
never did i know those days would pass-by so soon....
i often search for that silly little girl...who left me all alone...
i thought she would always be by me....but now i find her gone....
i want to collect together some things that i left behind..
in memory of those little pleasures that i will never again find,

its difficult to put in words...what it is all about...
in the attempt to see things in that utopian perspective...i shall fail beyond doubt

Its about... crying breathlessly and not knowing the value of tears..
being in a small ,simple world of your own...sans any fears..
its about..... getting hurt very easily and yet not knowing what is real pain
making paper boats that are sure to sink...and still..dancing about in the rain...
its about.........simplicity ..and a complete absence of complexity...
about ignorance and bliss...that oblivion which "should have been" unto infinity....

I remember... the little doll with big eyes....
the twinking stars high up above in the skies....

Its about... having lots of pencils and still not knowing how to write..
not knowing how words can hurt...easily forgetting the last days' fight..
its about......purity of thought ..and a warmth in the air..that can never again be found
amidst those deafening shouts... that unperturbed laughter that would resound...
its about......always being taught what is right and what is wrong..
yet knowing it better than so many others...the perfect tune of life's song...

i remember...the desire to own chalks of all colours that exist..
not caring whether dreams will ever become reality...having a long wish list.....

its about .......a me and a you...that is now no more....
its about how time changes...and waves fail to define the shore...
its about memories then....which will also soon fade away...
like broken toys .....forgotten friends....and "unmoulded" clay......

I remember......dreams left far behind...
happiness i will never again find...

Deep within...i still yearn for it....to feel once again the rainbathed earth on which I stood,
I long for smelling the wet sand....i long to relive that bygone childhood...

I WISH TO BELIEVE.....

2005-11-27T02:22:00.000-08:00

when she din't say a word... you did not stop to listen to what she had to say,
she did not call you ...and you never seemed to look her way,
when it was all dark around...you din't notice her reflection,
in her apparent pride and deliberate arrogance u failed to sense the concealed affection
yet there was something in you that heard her speak when it was all quiet,
the appreciation of grace and finesse in all loud and bright....
many things are beautiful because they surpass reason and judgement...
to speak what you never intended to...and not to express what you meant...
there is a magnetic charm that the heavens bestow...
when its that magical moment....when pure emotions flow...
there is maturity..there is deep thought...
a reverence for the object whose affection is sought...
when all in her life went wrong...
when she couldn't be alone for long...
without unwanted words and explanations...
without pretensions and exaggerated expressions...
like a soothing yet silent moonlit night..
you led her once again to light...
what binds you to her...i do not comprehend..
it is because of the inexplicability...that a divine meaning is lend...
to dissolve with time...to occur in destiny...
to conquer fate...to exist in perfect harmony...
she may never still speak....yet her eyes hold...
the reassurance and confidence of having you near...as she sees her life unfold...
that gaze of a woman...with her man by her side...
the pride of being owned..to his will she shall forever abide...
the many words never spoken...between the two of you...
when language fails to express.......and words seem rather too few..
in those moments..in silent times...
i hear the resonating chord...the inner tune that perfectly rhymes....
its all too beautiful in the tale...
when reality beckons....dreams and stories fail.....
in beautiful dreams and in imaginative fantasies...
its all an illusion...for life has its fallacies...
yet the sweet thoughts always remain...
to think of life as joy and hope...and momentarily forget the accompanying pain....
beyond the end..may unto eternity you together sail...
sometimes..i wish to forget reality..... i wish to believe in a fairy-tale...

INTERPRETATIONS......

2005-11-17T00:11:00.000-08:00

This is to some (of the many)words that I like .......words that have always turned "on" a definite thought or triggered a certain memory.......words that speak to me sometimes......

to say it all without saying a word...the "abhivyakti" through expressions..
to speak about everything and yet convey nothing .....the many such conversations...

a sudden moment of divine confirmation and nothing more...
no analysis ..no logic or justification.....simply the "anubhuti" pure....

the acceptance of the harsh reality...the "yatharth" that "seems",
the ring of darkness that surrounds a candle flame ...that darkenss that silently kills dreams..

the attempt to synchronize...to tune to perfection...
the "prayatn" beyond time and thought....the purity of dedication....

ITS NOTHING BUT A CHANGE....

2005-11-02T08:00:00.000-08:00

the blossoming of flowers that spring brings,
when a butterfly leaves her cocoon...and spreads her wings..
when i don't want to go away ..yet time does not stop...
when she has to leave her cloud...the downward journey of a rain drop....
its nothing but a change....

when little birds who learn to fly...
leave their nests and reach for the sky...
when it pains to let go of what has been so dear..
when for a moment all i want is to have you near...
its nothing but a change..

when the places ...the streets and the roads i have always walked on..
no more bear my footprints....i have moved far ahead...and those days are gone...
when sometimes...the mirror refuses to know me...
there is an altogether different person i see...
its nothing but a change...

a moment of joy...and then tears..
the sunshine of optimism....then unknown fears...
to move ahead is not my will...
to befriend my fate ..i try still....

every step i take ..every word i speak ...
each day i live....the goals i seek..
seasons..people...colours...all change...
its all a flow.... inevitable and strange...
this momentary confusion..and then a new definition ...
sometimes gradual....sometimes an abrupt transition...

does my life understand me....do i understand her?
when i am hurt and wounded...does she care to bother?
to understand life...is to understand and know change..
for its all nothing ..... but a change.

TO LIGHT....

2005-10-30T19:00:00.000-08:00

to the passion of fire...to the subtle grace of yellow light,
to the inner illumination...to all scintillating and bright..
to the eyes that reflect....expressions so clear,
to the glow of happiness on the face...of someone very dear...
to the silver of the mirror...that can capture moments and reflection..
to the transparency of glass...the light that passes through inspite of the refraction...
to the candlelight flame that slowly dies away...
to the seven colours that are beautifully hidden in a light ray...
to the enlightening power of knowledge....that dispels my inner confusions
to that single light that guides my life...to the unclear horizons...
to the struggling beam that despite the growing darkness survives.
to the first gleam of the morning sun across the dark skies,
to the sheer beauty of the shimmering stars at night...
the tranquil light of the moon...that bathes the earth in white...
to the inner aura and goodness of some people...which brightens up my life too..
to that twinkle of wonder in a child's eyes...the innocence and purity that you can see through...
a word of gratitude to all this...
the light that creates shadows which i tend to miss...
to this light and the darkness which surrounds it....to happiness and prosperity,
to the warmth that illuminates my life..a heartfelt thanks to the grace of the almighty...

SOMETIMES.....

2005-10-22T10:57:00.000-07:00

sometimes...
i want to break free,
i want to choose what my life will be,
i want to be lost and never be found,
i want to be the disappointment of the unheard sound,

sometimes...
i want to keep forever the moment that just passed away ,
i want tears to explain what i have never been able to say,
i do not want to take a step ahead,
i just want to close my eyes and simply be led,

sometimes..
i want to escape into my dreams for a while,
i want to feel the exhaustion of walking a long mile,
i want to live the reality that can never be,
to flow like water...uninhibited and free...

sometimes..
i want to be devoid of all awareness,
i want even the slight shadows to be engulfed by darkness
i want to be that moment of sudden realization ,
when lightning strikes suddenly..the short-lived illumination

sometimes...
i want to be the joys that i often desire and always miss,
i want to know the meaning of happiness..the secret of bliss.
i want to be the unusual quiet before a storm,
i want to be the fate of words to which thoughts give depth and form....

sometimes...
i want to be a lifeless painting hung on a wall,
i want to be the last journey of the autumn leaves as they fall,
i want to exist in the perfect sphere of a drop of rain,
i want to ponder why i sometimes seem to like pain...

sometimes...
when i am hurt i understand how difficult it is to smile,
when life pushes me hard ..i yearn to sit down for a while..
during the usual days....amidst the sad and the happy times..
i search for what i really want...i search for these "sometimes"....

THE UNREASONABLE SIDE OF REASON........

2005-10-17T00:00:00.000-07:00

"its all somewhere between analog and digital...."

boundaries..that define..that confine...
across the continuity that exists...to etch a sharp line..
the feeling of belongingness to a finite space
to recognize those eyes....on that very common face.
a stark difference or a gradual gradation,
to snap a chain of thoughts..or with time..a slow regression.
only precision and no ambiguity,
without the mist that alters perceptions..an unnatural clarity.
let intuition speak....listen to what it has to say,
sometimes..the subtle confusions lead to the right way.
can everything be quantified or bound to specifications,
to hold on to the pains of the past or completely erase the slight impressions..
there is something that logic fails to understand,
the powers that exist beyond it...the lines on the palm of my hand.
difference lends a meaning...a particular interpretation,
it is not forgiving......the irreversible separation,
to aim at accuracy and eliminate the slight variation,
a gaze so deviod of feeling..that it conquers distraction,
to seek a definite form ..a liquid always fails..
some descriptions are meaningless....without the finer details...
there is no truth that is absolute..nothing wrong or right,
just the meanings which we give....a shade darker or bright.
there is something about disorder that cannot be ignored,
though far away from the beautifying exactness ..the humble acceptance of the equilibrium that can never be restored.
the asymmetry that is distinct and raw,
bestowed with the grace of an accidental flaw
precision fails to grasp this deeper meaning that is intrinsic,
in words never spoken...in feelings.....in the imperfect and the artistic.. .
in thoughful thoughtlessness...in overflowing emptiness...
in the rhythm of silence....in undiscovered uniqueness...
it can't be pefection always...all the inseparable shades blend together into one,
the hues of the inevitable presence..of "the unreasonable side of reason".

THE BEAUTY ALL AROUND......

2005-09-30T02:24:00.000-07:00

" Catch a falling star
and put it in your pocket
and never let it fade away"....

some things are so beautiful....their beauty is innate...
there is something wonderful about them .... which we can't deliberately create.
there is something beautiful in a heart felt smile...
when silence begins to speak....though it may last only a while...
there is something beautiful in the warmth of someone's eyes,
when you want time to stop...and it simply flies...
it is a beautiful feeling to hold a child's hand..
to walk together and leave behind...our footprints in the sand.
it is beautiful to love some people with all your heart...
to create memories that you will cherish lifelong...till the day you part.
when everything goes wrong..and nothing around seems clear..
it is a wonderful feeling to think...that god is always near.
there is a divine beauty in every sunset and sunrise,
it is a very different feeling...to look up at the skies..
there is beauty in prayer and belief,
in the selfless love of those who care during sadness and grief...
there is beauty in the confidence that sends away all fear...
the reassurance that all will be fine..when your hand is held by someone dear,
there is beauty in the leaves that cover the ground after a storm...
there is beauty in pure emotions....to which words fail to give a form...
it is beautiful to observe the perfect synchronization between day and night..
just the right proportion ...of darkness and light...
it is beautiful to understand the sorrows of those you don't even know...
to read someone's thoughts and pain...even when they don't let it show
though everything around has its own beauty and uniqueness..
a cosmic harmony binds us all.....the invisible "oneness"...
its all "your" beauty in different colours..shapes..forms..and impressions..
in movements..gestures...feelings...words...and expressions...
this web of beauty that "you" have woven....brightens my gloomy days....
I can't gather all of it...yet it amazes me always..
hidden...and seldom admired....it deserves to be found,
the beauty in everything and everyone..."the beauty all around".

ABOUT "ME".....

2005-09-28T21:40:00.000-07:00

Am I the constant unreasonable fear that haunts,
in times of happiness.....the apprehension of future that taunts.
Sometimes it seems I do not know "me",
those eyes are mine....yet I do not choose what to see.
Sometimes I feel it is a lifelong discovery,
to understand and comprehend all the shades of "me" completely,
My story has a new chapter everyday
people and circumstances change...with memories I stay.
Sometimes I want to read myself like a book..
to wander in the lands of my thoughts and dreams...and take an inward look.
If "me" were a character that I had to define,
to look at "me"...from a distant view...as if nothing of "me" is mine.
It is so easy to pass judgement on others this way,
but when it comes to "me"..it becomes a difficult say.
"me" is the worst..."me" may be better ,
"me" may make it to the end..."me" may falter.
"me" tries to be good...."me" tries to smile,
yet something disturbs her..the happiness lasts only a while.
"me" is madness sometimes.."me" is sensibility
"me" is silly dreams....."me" is reality.
"me" is so easy to understand...willing to give and accept,
"me" is so unknown ....in well guarded secrets that are kept.
Sometimes "me" doesn't know anything.
Sometimes "me" knows everything.
"me" knows a tough way ahead lies,
in little things to seek happiness..."me" often tries.
"me" thinks..maybe she can..try and achieve,
"me" holds on forever...what she decides to believe
It seems "me" is two people together,
Sometimes one of them speaks...sometimes the other.
There is a "me" to the world...and another to those who know,
only one "me" speaks to everybody...the other to a few only ,will show.
It is a complex conundrum...two selves entwined,
Who the real "me" is...is difficult to find...

BUTTERFLY....

2005-09-24T00:54:00.000-07:00

Why can't butterflies live a little longer,
Why can't the meek be a bit stronger,
Why is it so difficult to understand "right" and "wrong",
to hum with perfection the silent tune of life's song,
If I do not win....why do I have to lose,
Every moment...in everything..why do I have to choose,
When I do not want to think ...why do thoughts chase me,
Why do I have visions of happiness...which in reality will never be.
If you know I will fail...why do I have to try,
to give a false smile...when I really want to cry.
If you know how to talk...why are you quiet,
Don't keep me in darkness....I want to share some of your light.
Why did you create difference and similarity,
to every person..his uniqueness...his singularity.
Why can't you send away the clouds...and make the sky clear.
Let the stars be with me...take away this apprehension and fear,
I will talk to them about little things..
the scar the moon has...and the interesting patterns on butterflies' wings.
If I were a butterfly..I would change colours everyday,
to feel every moment in a different shade....to live to the full in this short stay.
Maybe then I would not bother you so much,
My life would be short and colourful...there would not be much time as such,
I will not question you about life then,
with my little wings..I will try to reach you in my flight when.
I will not want to talk to the stars...
because now will wait for me....the blossoming beautiful flowers.
Life would be very different then ...I think
from the imperfect mind of a human.....to the unknown thoughts of a butterfly...I would shrink
Make me a butterfly .......tonight,
I will live another life then.....till the morning light.

SOMEDAY...

2005-09-10T01:12:00.000-07:00

Someday...there will be rain without thunder,
there will be perfection in a blunder,
I will talk to that distant star...
the earth will forever smell of the very first shower.

there will be a night that will never end,
and a message the heavens shall then send.
I will exist beyond space and time then,
not bound by all that which rules the world of men..

I will decide the weird shapes the clouds will make,
I will choose the colours the rainbow will take.
The secrets of the skies will be known to me,
I will delve into the depths of the unfathomable sea..
the wind that makes even the big trees sway,
I will guide her to the path...when she loses her way.
I will find out how it feels to fly,
the touch of the clouds ..as they wander by.
But no pain, ...no joy will then come to me,
They grace the earth..and high up I will be.

There will be everything...and yet nothing..
Inspite of this freedom ..I will miss something...
The voices that I used to hear,
Laughter,smiles ,tears ...the moments that were dear.
All this will be taken away,
In an endless oblivion I will forever stay.

I will miss not only harmony but also strife..
not only love..but also hatred.. I will miss "life",
I will miss the thunder that brings the rain,
I will miss the happiness that can overcome pain.
I will not look at the moon that night,
I will think of the small parts of my life...from my first step to the last flight.
I will no more want to rise with the early morning ray.
Because I will no longer "be" what I "am"...after the night of "some day"....

SHE IS ...

2005-08-27T00:54:00.000-07:00

she is intelligence..she is grace,
she is the greatness... few understand or praise.
she is the truth...uninhibited and pure.
she is the restraint ..no desires can lure.
she is pride with defiance...
she is submission with compliance.
she is the darkness in the light,
she is the only star in the moonless night,
she is calmness and tranquility,
she is tumult and activity
she is without words and expression,
she is the most well written description
she is the victory of the lands,
she is the disgrace of the sands.
she is the one who reigns and leads.
she is the vanquished who for mercy pleads
she is the beauty..natural and innate,
she is the false illusion gods create
she is power and strength...the indomitable might,
she is the soft aura of a flickering candle light.
she is the eyes that speak in silence,
she is the quiet endurance that bears all violence.
she is the tears that are hard to hide,
she is the happiness held secretly inside.
she is the spiritual air of devotion,
she is the most vividly expressed emotion,
she is the care ...the warmth around,
she is the pain in a neglected wound.
she is the turbulence...of the storms inside,
she is the serenity of the moon...by which the tides abide.
she is the pristine laughter from the heart,
she is the deliberate smile when we part.
she is the uncomplicated simplicity ,
she is the simplest complexity
she is in the lessons of life that she would teach.
she is in the depths of the meaning that none can reach.
she is the beginning of an end,
she is the destination just beyond the bend.
she is in me...she is in you,
she is in life's complete view...
she is the soul...thoughless and impeccable ,
she is the being...thoughtful and fallible
I cannot continue the journey with her,
I close my eyes....my visions blur.
she goes away....in her veiled charisma,
she is , indeed, the greatest enigma.
I hold a part of her in me...yet there is something I miss,
I am too humble to define...what she " really" is..

RESIGNATION.....

2005-08-19T00:01:00.000-07:00

I want to rest forever in an eternal sleep,
I have walked long enough....the path ahead is steep,
Why don't you take this consciousness away,
the realization that as long as I live..I have to walk an unknown way
Why can't this present moment freeze....why can't I escape into infinity,
Why can't I be freed of all these bonds..this helplessness I pity.
Take away all knowledge....ignorance is bliss,
When you begin to understand what pain is....then painful everything is.
I do not wish to see....I do not wish to hear,
the sounds of defeats...visions of fear.
I cannot ignore the ignominy that accompanies grace
I often forget the happy moments....but the pain always stays.
I do appreciate the beauty you created.....your gift of life ,
but the dark clouds often hide the sun.....the endless cosmic strife.
I no longer wish to be a presence...dissolve me into the night,
no difference will then exist....between darkness and light.
Take away this sense of "feeling" and perception,
responsibilities,dreams,desires,expectations....free me from this web of deception.
Give me back that pure happiness and oblivion ....I want to return to my childhood,
back to the city of angels.....in my dreams where I stood
revert my steps.....give me back the innocence that time took away,
lighten me of this burden that I carry.....with earnestness I pray.
I have no more words to write....I want to struggle no more,
send all my thoughts away.....purify the inner core.
In the darkness of the night....I resign my "inner" darkness to thee,
I yearn for the light of the dawn .....when these conflicts of thoughts will cease to be.

OF DREAMS AND EXPECTATIONS...

2005-08-08T06:51:00.000-07:00

"Though you guard it well,
what destiny does not decree disappears.
Though you cast it aside ,
what fate calls yours,
does not depart."

What intrigues me most is not of the "outer" world around,
rather it is the inner tumult...dreams and expectations abound.
If you give me hopes ...that may enlighten my way,
then before I reach the bend...just don't go away.
give me faith...forever.....be the guiding light.
I do not desire the rainbows you weave...bathe me in the tranquil white.
What of a bright flash that dies long before dawn arrives,
Be the faint star whose flickering flame unto sunrise survives.
Be the gaze that holds the horizon far,
Be the confidence guarded by destiny's power.
Be the meaning that echoes beneath the words I speak,
Be that innate strength that makes the "outer" evils weak,
Be the greatness gracefully veiled ,
Be the acceptance of what fate had long ago sealed,
Be not the shallowness whose depth I may soon forget,
Be not the misguided steps which I may later reget,
Be not a moment that will always haunt,
Be not the painful memory of what I did want,
There are infinite ways in which to be or not to be,
The innumerable shades of the "greyness" of life..with open eyes I fail to see,
How do I convey...that happiness that accompanies pain,
The water that flows free...despite the fragments of shattered porcelain.
To these unclear perspectives of my mortal mind, grant the assurance that I need,
not the knowledge of what "should" be or not be.....rather what "shall" by you be
decreed.

YOU...UNDEFINED...

2005-08-05T09:50:00.000-07:00

Who are you?
are you my reflection.. my core ,my values crystallized unto perfection
are you the "rightness" imbibed in me,
or the thoughts which I never let free
are u an illusion...an optimistic perception,
a dream conjured by my mind, a self-deception
I do not know what blurs my view,
the fading hues of twilight or the early morning dew.
as the night amalgamates into the day and day into night,
I question the eternal contradictions...good and evil..wrong and right.
are you the innocent wonder in the eyes of a child,
or the unappreciated beauty of the flowers that blossom in the wild
are you the irresolute air of conflict....submission with defiance,
or the sacred,unfathomable ..the sounds of silence.
are you the pristine laughter that shines through eyes,
or the very first tears..when a newborn cries
are you the fears buried deep inside,
or the celebration of a lifelong victory..."the day all sorrows died".
were you the first step that I took
or the shadows that walked along....though I would pretend not to look
are you the secrets in the folded fist of a newborn
or the gnarled hand of an old man.......lines on the palm deep and worn
are you the sheer glory of a starlit night
or the vain attempt to shield my eyes...when blinded by too bright a light
are you like water..transparent and clear,
or my misty memories ......fading yet dear.
it is a vain attempt to bind you to descriptions,I know
I lack the insight to perceive you..mere words continue to flow.
to all the unanswered questions ,the mysteries that have intrigued,
to all that exists..good or bad..to life..to whatever I have believed,
I have only one answer.....an answer beyond my judgement and mind,
its simply you..... you "undefined".

THE REASON THAT I SHOULD "BE".........

2005-08-01T22:28:00.000-07:00

How long will I live?
How long "should" I live.....I sometimes wonder,
How many "laughters",how much pain.....do I struggle or surrender?
I move with the stream ..the flow drives me on,
I think of moments ..ahead and bygone..
Why am I here ,what is this life for,
Will the tides guide my destiny....will I ever steer myself to the shore?
Sometimes I ponder .....what is bliss,
In this everyday life of mine...what do I really miss,
What makes me happy....what makes me cry,
What do I assimilate..as the days pass by.
What is the goal ...the ultimate aim,
or is it merely the days I have to live.....just the eternal "game".
What do I miss.....something that is dear,
or is it just remembering ...what is not near.
Why am I sad....because probably I think too much,
for I weave this web of thorns around....there "is" no pain as such.
When I look at the night sky....adorned with stars,
I feel humbled and awed...the celestial powers.
What have you willed that I now "will" have to live,
How much of what I took do I now have to give..
Speak the story of my life...tell me what you wrote,
its only the echo of my own voice here...unknowingly i float,
Show me the path that I must tread,
give me the inner strength that I need,
You hold the strings I know....define "my" meaning to me,
Justify my existence here...the one "reason that I should be".

THE UNSAID......

2005-07-31T20:45:00.000-07:00

There is such an intricate web of thoughts within,
I just do not know where to begin,
There is an eerie silence inspite of the sounds,
just numbness and no pain despite the wounds,
Why do i search for something that can never be found,
there is no depth or richness of meaning,just plain gravity ..the stable ground.
my thoughts are treacherous, they deceive words and expression,
they wander aimlessly....i crave for clarity of perception.
I guess the confusion around blurs my view,
I am all alone...surrounded by the deep blue.
What do i want ....how do i define,
and how much do i hold on to...what truly is "mine".
Why looms around always....that dark fear,
emotions frozen into time...now the impressions mere.
now i no more understand...what words spoken to me really mean,
What do i want to see.....what actually "is" there but is not seen,
I can feel no more...my senses defy,
Just my thoughts i hold...memories wander by.
They are mine , truly mine....these i own beyond time
No language,no words ...just the truth sublime.
What are perceptions...merely what i choose to see
or the inevitable... what had to happen..it just "had" to be,
Beneath the folds of memory...lie long forgotten pains and dreams
Yet,struggling through the clouds of tumult....the golden sunshine beams.
Slowly...i return to the world of words that had,
given form to my "inner inexplicable"..."the unsaid".